Rodney Dangerfield Quotes And Sayings

Rodney Dangerfield was an American stand-up comedian, actor, producer, screenwriter and comedian known for the catchphrase “I don’t get no respect!” and his monologues on that theme. At the age of 15, he began to write for stand-up comedians, and he himself began to perform at a resort in Ellenville. He struggled financially for nine years, at one point performing as a singing waiter until he was fired, and also working as a performing acrobatic diver before giving up show business to take a job selling aluminum siding to support his wife and family. He later said that he was so little known then that “at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit!”  

On Halloween, The Parents Sent Their Kids Out Looking Like Me.

When I Was A Kid My Parents Moved A Lot, But I Always Found Them.

I Found There Was Only One Way To Look Thin: Hang Out With Fat People.

I Told My Psychiatrist That Everyone Hates Me. He Said I Was Being Ridiculous - Everyone Hasn't Met Me Yet.

I Get No Respect. The Way My Luck Is Running, If I Was A Politician I Would Be Honest.

My Wife Wants Sex In The Back Of The Car And She Wants Me To Drive.

This Morning When I Put On My Underwear I Could Hear The Fruit-of-the-loom Guys Laughing At Me.

My Wife Met Me At The Door The Other Night In A Sexy Negligee. Unfortunately, She Was Just Coming Home.

My Mother Never Breast Fed Me, She Told Me She Only Liked Me As A Friend.

My Uncle's Dying Wish - He Wanted Me On His Lap. He Was In The Electric Chair.

I Looked Up My Family Tree And Found Out I Was The Sap.

My Psychiatrist Told Me I Was Crazy And I Said I Want A Second Opinion. He Said Okay, You're Ugly Too.

I Remember The Time I Was Kidnapped And They Sent A Piece Of My Finger To My Father. He Said He Wanted More Proof.

I Have Good Looking Kids. Thank Goodness My Wife Cheats On Me.

I Had Plenty Of Pimples As A Kid. One Day I Fell Asleep In The Library. When I Woke Up, A Blind Man Was Reading My Face.

If It Wasn't For Pick-pockets I'd Have No Sex Life At All.

I Saved A Girl From Being Attacked Last Night. I Controlled Myself.

Life Is Just A Bowl Of Pits.

A Girl Phoned Me The Other Day And Said... 'Come On Over, There's Nobody Home.' I Went Over. Nobody Was Home.

My Wife's Jealousy Is Getting Ridiculous. The Other Day She Looked At My Calendar And Wanted To Know Who May Was.

Men Who Do Things Without Being Told Draw The Most Wages.

Yeah, I Know I'm Ugly... I Said To A Bartender, 'Make Me A Zombie.' He Said 'God Beat Me To It.'

With My Wife I Don't Get No Respect. I Made A Toast On Her Birthday To 'The Best Woman A Man Ever Had.' The Waiter Joined Me.

I Haven't Spoken To My Wife In Years. I Didn't Want To Interrupt Her.

Some Dog I Got Too. We Call Him Egypt. Because In Every Room He Leaves A Pyramid.

One Year They Asked Me To Be Poster Boy - For Birth Control.

My Father Carries Around The Picture Of The Kid Who Came With His Wallet.

My Marriage Is On The Rocks Again, Yeah, My Wife Just Broke Up With Her Boyfriend.

I'm Taking Viagra And Drinking Prune Juice - I Don't Know If I'm Coming Or Going.

My Cousins Gay, He Went To London Only To Find Out That Big Ben Was A Clock.

I Worked In A Pet Store And People Would Ask How Big I Would Get.

I Told My Wife The Truth. I Told Her I Was Seeing A Psychiatrist. Then She Told Me The Truth: That She Was Seeing A Psychiatrist, Two Plumbers, And A Bartender.

I Met The Surgeon General - He Offered Me A Cigarette.

The Way My Luck Is Running, If I Was A Politician I Would Be Honest.

I Looked Up My Family Tree And Found Three Dogs Using It.

I Could Tell My Parents Hated Me. My Bath Toys Were A Toaster And A Radio.

My Wife And I Were Happy For 20 Years. Then We Met.

When I Was Born I Was So Ugly The Doctor Slapped My Mother.

We Sleep In Separate Rooms, We Have Dinner Apart, We Take Separate Vacations - We're Doing Everything We Can To Keep Our Marriage Together.

Acting Deals With Very Delicate Emotions. It Is Not Putting Up A Mask. Each Time An Actor Acts He Does Not Hide; He Exposes Himself.

With Me, Nothing Goes Right. My Psychiatrist Said My Wife And I Should Have Sex Every Night. Now, We'll Never See Each Other!

My Wife Was Afraid Of The Dark... Then She Saw Me Naked And Now She's Afraid Of The Light.

It's Tough To Stay Married. My Wife Kisses The Dog On The Lips, Yet She Won't Drink From My Glass.

I Told My Dentist My Teeth Are Going Yellow. He Told Me To Wear A Brown Tie.

I Went To A Fight The Other Night, And A Hockey Game Broke Out.

I Came From A Real Tough Neighborhood. I Put My Hand In Some Cement And Felt Another Hand.

What A Kid I Got, I Told Him About The Birds And The Bee And He Told Me About The Butcher And My Wife.

I Was So Ugly My Mother Used To Feed Me With A Sling Shot.

What A Dog I Got, His Favorite Bone Is In My Arm.

My Mother Had Morning Sickness After I Was Born.