Steven Wright Quotes And Sayings

I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.

Steven Wright Quotes (26) - I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About C... - QuotesI Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.

Steven Wright Quotes (26) - I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About C... - Quotes

Curiosity Killed The Cat, But For A While I Was A Suspect.

Steven Wright Quotes (27) - Curiosity Killed The Cat, But For A W... - QuotesCuriosity Killed The Cat, But For A While I Was A Suspect.

Steven Wright Quotes (27) - Curiosity Killed The Cat, But For A W... - Quotes

There's A Fine Line Between Fishing And Just Standing On The Shore Like An Idiot.

Steven Wright Quotes (3) - There's A Fine Line Between Fishing An... - QuotesThere's A Fine Line Between Fishing And Just Standing On The Shore Like An Idiot.

Steven Wright Quotes (3) - There's A Fine Line Between Fishing An... - Quotes

I Saw A Bank That Said '24 Hour Banking', But I Don't Have That Much Time.

Steven Wright Quotes (29) - I Saw A Bank That Said '24 Hour Banki... - QuotesI Saw A Bank That Said '24 Hour Banking', But I Don't Have That Much Time.

Steven Wright Quotes (29) - I Saw A Bank That Said '24 Hour Banki... - Quotes

For My Birthday I Got A Humidifier And A De-humidifier... I Put Them In The Same Room And Let Them Fight It Out.

Steven Wright Quotes (28) - For My Birthday I Got A Humidifier An... - QuotesFor My Birthday I Got A Humidifier And A De-humidifier... I Put Them In The Same Room And Let Them Fight It Out.

Steven Wright Quotes (28) - For My Birthday I Got A Humidifier An... - Quotes

You Can't Have Everything. Where Would You Put It?

Steven Wright Quotes (30) - You Can't Have Everything. Where Woul... - QuotesYou Can't Have Everything. Where Would You Put It?

Steven Wright Quotes (30) - You Can't Have Everything. Where Woul... - Quotes

Hermits Have No Peer Pressure.

Steven Wright Quotes (31) - Hermits Have No Peer Pressure.... - QuotesHermits Have No Peer Pressure.

Steven Wright Quotes (31) - Hermits Have No Peer Pressure.... - Quotes

What A Nice Night For An Evening.

Steven Wright Quotes (32) - What A Nice Night For An Evening.... - QuotesWhat A Nice Night For An Evening.

Steven Wright Quotes (32) - What A Nice Night For An Evening.... - Quotes

I Think It's Wrong That Only One Company Makes The Game Monopoly.

Steven Wright Quotes (33) - I Think It's Wrong That Only One Comp... - QuotesI Think It's Wrong That Only One Company Makes The Game Monopoly.

Steven Wright Quotes (33) - I Think It's Wrong That Only One Comp... - Quotes

I Remember When The Candle Shop Burned Down. Everyone Stood Around Singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Steven Wright Quotes (34) - I Remember When The Candle Shop Burne... - QuotesI Remember When The Candle Shop Burned Down. Everyone Stood Around Singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Steven Wright Quotes (34) - I Remember When The Candle Shop Burne... - Quotes

I Love Eating Chocolate Cake And Ice Cream After A Show. I Almost Justify It In My Mind As, 'You Were A Good Boy Onstage And You Did Your Show, So Now You Can Have Some Cake And Ice Cream.'

Steven Wright Quotes (35) - I Love Eating Chocolate Cake And Ice ... - QuotesI Love Eating Chocolate Cake And Ice Cream After A Show. I Almost Justify It In My Mind As, 'You Were A Good Boy Onstage And You Did Your Show, So Now You Can Have Some Cake And Ice Cream.'

Steven Wright Quotes (35) - I Love Eating Chocolate Cake And Ice ... - Quotes

Honestly, I Just Go To Restaurants To Eat So I Won't Die. If There Was A Pill I Could Take In January And Then I Wouldn't Have To Eat Again For The Rest Of The Year, I Would Take It. Of Course, I Wouldn't Want To Sacrifice My Chocolate Cake And Ice Cream.

Steven Wright Quotes (36) - Honestly, I Just Go To Restaurants To... - QuotesHonestly, I Just Go To Restaurants To Eat So I Won't Die. If There Was A Pill I Could Take In January And Then I Wouldn't Have To Eat Again For The Rest Of The Year, I Would Take It. Of Course, I Wouldn't Want To Sacrifice My Chocolate Cake And Ice Cream.

Steven Wright Quotes (36) - Honestly, I Just Go To Restaurants To... - Quotes

I Need One Of Those Baby Monitors From My Subconscious To My Consciousness So I Can Know What The Hell I'm Really Thinking About.

Steven Wright Quotes (37) - I Need One Of Those Baby Monitors Fro... - QuotesI Need One Of Those Baby Monitors From My Subconscious To My Consciousness So I Can Know What The Hell I'm Really Thinking About.

Steven Wright Quotes (37) - I Need One Of Those Baby Monitors Fro... - Quotes

I Liked School, But I Used To Dread Those Moments When The Teacher Would Call Me Up To Give An Oral Report. I Forced Myself To Deal With It And Not Dwell On The Class In Front Of Me - To Keep A Straight Face, Give The Report And Concentrate On Getting It Right. That's Normally How I Perform. That's How I Am.

Steven Wright Quotes (38) - I Liked School, But I Used To Dread T... - QuotesI Liked School, But I Used To Dread Those Moments When The Teacher Would Call Me Up To Give An Oral Report. I Forced Myself To Deal With It And Not Dwell On The Class In Front Of Me - To Keep A Straight Face, Give The Report And Concentrate On Getting It Right. That's Normally How I Perform. That's How I Am.

Steven Wright Quotes (38) - I Liked School, But I Used To Dread T... - Quotes

I Don't Go Off And Sit Down And Try To Write Material, Because Then It's Contrived And Forced. I Just Live My Life, And I See Things In A Word Or A Situation Or A Concept, And It Will Create A Joke For Me.

Steven Wright Quotes (39) - I Don't Go Off And Sit Down And Try T... - QuotesI Don't Go Off And Sit Down And Try To Write Material, Because Then It's Contrived And Forced. I Just Live My Life, And I See Things In A Word Or A Situation Or A Concept, And It Will Create A Joke For Me.

Steven Wright Quotes (39) - I Don't Go Off And Sit Down And Try T... - Quotes

What's Another Word For Thesaurus?

Steven Wright Quotes (4) - What's Another Word For Thesaurus?... - QuotesWhat's Another Word For Thesaurus?

Steven Wright Quotes (4) - What's Another Word For Thesaurus?... - Quotes

My Mother Is From Another Time - The Funniest Person To Her Is Lucille Ball; That's What She Loves. A Lot Of Times She Tells Me She Doesn't Know What I'm Talking About. I Know If I Wasn't Her Son And She Was Flipping Through The Tv And Saw Me, She Would Just Keep Going.

Steven Wright Quotes (40) - My Mother Is From Another Time - The ... - QuotesMy Mother Is From Another Time - The Funniest Person To Her Is Lucille Ball; That's What She Loves. A Lot Of Times She Tells Me She Doesn't Know What I'm Talking About. I Know If I Wasn't Her Son And She Was Flipping Through The Tv And Saw Me, She Would Just Keep Going.

Steven Wright Quotes (40) - My Mother Is From Another Time - The ... - Quotes

I've Been Thinking Of Humorous Things Since I Was... I Can't Remember When. All The Way Through Elementary School, All The Way Through Junior High, All The Way Through High School, Through College And After College, I Was Thinking Of The Same Kinds Of Things That I Say In Front Of An Audience Now.

Steven Wright Quotes (43) - I've Been Thinking Of Humorous Things... - QuotesI've Been Thinking Of Humorous Things Since I Was... I Can't Remember When. All The Way Through Elementary School, All The Way Through Junior High, All The Way Through High School, Through College And After College, I Was Thinking Of The Same Kinds Of Things That I Say In Front Of An Audience Now.

Steven Wright Quotes (43) - I've Been Thinking Of Humorous Things... - Quotes

If At First You Don't Succeed, Then Skydiving Definitely Isn't For You.

Steven Wright Quotes (42) - If At First You Don't Succeed, Then S... - QuotesIf At First You Don't Succeed, Then Skydiving Definitely Isn't For You.

Steven Wright Quotes (42) - If At First You Don't Succeed, Then S... - Quotes

When I'm On Stage, It's Really Intense. My Mind Is Going A Million Miles An Hour, Trying To Remember My Act, Trying To Say It All The Right Way. It's Funny How Different It Looks And How It's Happening. There Are Three Fellini Circuses In My Head, And Outwardly It Looks Like I'm Going To Get A Bagel.

Steven Wright Quotes (41) - When I'm On Stage, It's Really Intens... - QuotesWhen I'm On Stage, It's Really Intense. My Mind Is Going A Million Miles An Hour, Trying To Remember My Act, Trying To Say It All The Right Way. It's Funny How Different It Looks And How It's Happening. There Are Three Fellini Circuses In My Head, And Outwardly It Looks Like I'm Going To Get A Bagel.

Steven Wright Quotes (41) - When I'm On Stage, It's Really Intens... - Quotes

Someone Asked Me, If I Were Stranded On A Desert Island What Book Would I Bring... 'How To Build A Boat.'

Steven Wright Quotes (44) - Someone Asked Me, If I Were Stranded ... - QuotesSomeone Asked Me, If I Were Stranded On A Desert Island What Book Would I Bring... 'How To Build A Boat.'

Steven Wright Quotes (44) - Someone Asked Me, If I Were Stranded ... - Quotes

I Put Instant Coffee In A Microwave Oven And Almost Went Back In Time.

Steven Wright Quotes (45) - I Put Instant Coffee In A Microwave O... - QuotesI Put Instant Coffee In A Microwave Oven And Almost Went Back In Time.

Steven Wright Quotes (45) - I Put Instant Coffee In A Microwave O... - Quotes

If A Word In The Dictionary Were Misspelled, How Would We Know?

Steven Wright Quotes (46) - If A Word In The Dictionary Were Miss... - QuotesIf A Word In The Dictionary Were Misspelled, How Would We Know?

Steven Wright Quotes (46) - If A Word In The Dictionary Were Miss... - Quotes

I Had To Stop Driving My Car For A While... The Tires Got Dizzy.

Steven Wright Quotes (48) - I Had To Stop Driving My Car For A Wh... - QuotesI Had To Stop Driving My Car For A While... The Tires Got Dizzy.

Steven Wright Quotes (48) - I Had To Stop Driving My Car For A Wh... - Quotes

I Replaced The Headlights In My Car With Strobe Lights, So It Looks Like I'm The Only One Moving.

Steven Wright Quotes (47) - I Replaced The Headlights In My Car W... - QuotesI Replaced The Headlights In My Car With Strobe Lights, So It Looks Like I'm The Only One Moving.

Steven Wright Quotes (47) - I Replaced The Headlights In My Car W... - Quotes

I Have An Answering Machine In My Car. It Says, I'm Home Now. But Leave A Message And I'll Call When I'm Out.

Steven Wright Quotes (49) - I Have An Answering Machine In My Car... - QuotesI Have An Answering Machine In My Car. It Says, I'm Home Now. But Leave A Message And I'll Call When I'm Out.

Steven Wright Quotes (49) - I Have An Answering Machine In My Car... - Quotes

I Intend To Live Forever. So Far, So Good.

Steven Wright Quotes (5) - I Intend To Live Forever. So Far, So G... - QuotesI Intend To Live Forever. So Far, So Good.

Steven Wright Quotes (5) - I Intend To Live Forever. So Far, So G... - Quotes

When I Was A Little Kid We Had A Sand Box. It Was A Quicksand Box. I Was An Only Child... Eventually.

Steven Wright Quotes (50) - When I Was A Little Kid We Had A Sand... - QuotesWhen I Was A Little Kid We Had A Sand Box. It Was A Quicksand Box. I Was An Only Child... Eventually.

Steven Wright Quotes (50) - When I Was A Little Kid We Had A Sand... - Quotes

I Installed A Skylight In My Apartment... The People Who Live Above Me Are Furious!

Steven Wright Quotes (52) - I Installed A Skylight In My Apartmen... - QuotesI Installed A Skylight In My Apartment... The People Who Live Above Me Are Furious!

Steven Wright Quotes (52) - I Installed A Skylight In My Apartmen... - Quotes

I Had A Friend Who Was A Clown. When He Died, All His Friends Went To The Funeral In One Car.

Steven Wright Quotes (51) - I Had A Friend Who Was A Clown. When ... - QuotesI Had A Friend Who Was A Clown. When He Died, All His Friends Went To The Funeral In One Car.

Steven Wright Quotes (51) - I Had A Friend Who Was A Clown. When ... - Quotes

If You Tell A Joke In The Forest, But Nobody Laughs, Was It A Joke?

Steven Wright Quotes (53) - If You Tell A Joke In The Forest, But... - QuotesIf You Tell A Joke In The Forest, But Nobody Laughs, Was It A Joke?

Steven Wright Quotes (53) - If You Tell A Joke In The Forest, But... - Quotes

The Bermuda Triangle Got Tired Of Warm Weather. It Moved To Alaska. Now Santa Claus Is Missing.

Steven Wright Quotes (54) - The Bermuda Triangle Got Tired Of War... - QuotesThe Bermuda Triangle Got Tired Of Warm Weather. It Moved To Alaska. Now Santa Claus Is Missing.

Steven Wright Quotes (54) - The Bermuda Triangle Got Tired Of War... - Quotes

It Doesn't Matter What Temperature The Room Is, It's Always Room Temperature.

Steven Wright Quotes (56) - It Doesn't Matter What Temperature Th... - QuotesIt Doesn't Matter What Temperature The Room Is, It's Always Room Temperature.

Steven Wright Quotes (56) - It Doesn't Matter What Temperature Th... - Quotes

Sponges Grow In The Ocean. That Just Kills Me. I Wonder How Much Deeper The Ocean Would Be If That Didn't Happen.

Steven Wright Quotes (55) - Sponges Grow In The Ocean. That Just ... - QuotesSponges Grow In The Ocean. That Just Kills Me. I Wonder How Much Deeper The Ocean Would Be If That Didn't Happen.

Steven Wright Quotes (55) - Sponges Grow In The Ocean. That Just ... - Quotes

I Saw A Subliminal Advertising Executive, But Only For A Second.

Steven Wright Quotes (57) - I Saw A Subliminal Advertising Execut... - QuotesI Saw A Subliminal Advertising Executive, But Only For A Second.

Steven Wright Quotes (57) - I Saw A Subliminal Advertising Execut... - Quotes

I Used To Work In A Fire Hydrant Factory. You Couldn't Park Anywhere Near The Place.

Steven Wright Quotes (58) - I Used To Work In A Fire Hydrant Fact... - QuotesI Used To Work In A Fire Hydrant Factory. You Couldn't Park Anywhere Near The Place.

Steven Wright Quotes (58) - I Used To Work In A Fire Hydrant Fact... - Quotes

If You Shoot At Mimes, Should You Use A Silencer?

Steven Wright Quotes (59) - If You Shoot At Mimes, Should You Use... - QuotesIf You Shoot At Mimes, Should You Use A Silencer?

Steven Wright Quotes (59) - If You Shoot At Mimes, Should You Use... - Quotes

My Secret To Staying Young... Having No Sense Of Time.

Steven Wright Quotes (6) - My Secret To Staying Young... Having N... - QuotesMy Secret To Staying Young... Having No Sense Of Time.

Steven Wright Quotes (6) - My Secret To Staying Young... Having N... - Quotes

When I Woke Up This Morning My Girlfriend Asked Me, 'Did You Sleep Good?' I Said 'No, I Made A Few Mistakes.'

Steven Wright Quotes (60) - When I Woke Up This Morning My Girlfr... - QuotesWhen I Woke Up This Morning My Girlfriend Asked Me, 'Did You Sleep Good?' I Said 'No, I Made A Few Mistakes.'

Steven Wright Quotes (60) - When I Woke Up This Morning My Girlfr... - Quotes

Everywhere Is Within Walking Distance If You Have The Time.

Steven Wright Quotes (61) - Everywhere Is Within Walking Distance... - QuotesEverywhere Is Within Walking Distance If You Have The Time.

Steven Wright Quotes (61) - Everywhere Is Within Walking Distance... - Quotes

I Went To The Bank And Asked To Borrow A Cup Of Money. They Said, 'What For?' I Said, 'I'm Going To Buy Some Sugar.'

Steven Wright Quotes (62) - I Went To The Bank And Asked To Borro... - QuotesI Went To The Bank And Asked To Borrow A Cup Of Money. They Said, 'What For?' I Said, 'I'm Going To Buy Some Sugar.'

Steven Wright Quotes (62) - I Went To The Bank And Asked To Borro... - Quotes

I Was Trying To Daydream, But My Mind Kept Wandering.

Steven Wright Quotes (64) - I Was Trying To Daydream, But My Mind... - QuotesI Was Trying To Daydream, But My Mind Kept Wandering.

Steven Wright Quotes (64) - I Was Trying To Daydream, But My Mind... - Quotes

Do You Think That When They Asked George Washington For Id That He Just Whipped Out A Quarter?

Steven Wright Quotes (63) - Do You Think That When They Asked Geo... - QuotesDo You Think That When They Asked George Washington For Id That He Just Whipped Out A Quarter?

Steven Wright Quotes (63) - Do You Think That When They Asked Geo... - Quotes

I Have The World's Largest Collection Of Seashells. I Keep It On All The Beaches Of The World... Perhaps You've Seen It.

Steven Wright Quotes (66) - I Have The World's Largest Collection... - QuotesI Have The World's Largest Collection Of Seashells. I Keep It On All The Beaches Of The World... Perhaps You've Seen It.

Steven Wright Quotes (66) - I Have The World's Largest Collection... - Quotes

Ever Notice How Irons Have A Setting For Permanent Press? I Don't Get It.

Steven Wright Quotes (65) - Ever Notice How Irons Have A Setting ... - QuotesEver Notice How Irons Have A Setting For Permanent Press? I Don't Get It.

Steven Wright Quotes (65) - Ever Notice How Irons Have A Setting ... - Quotes

I Play The Harmonica. The Only Way I Can Play Is If I Get My Car Going Really Fast, And Stick It Out The Window.

Steven Wright Quotes (67) - I Play The Harmonica. The Only Way I ... - QuotesI Play The Harmonica. The Only Way I Can Play Is If I Get My Car Going Really Fast, And Stick It Out The Window.

Steven Wright Quotes (67) - I Play The Harmonica. The Only Way I ... - Quotes

I Watched The Indy 500, And I Was Thinking That If They Left Earlier They Wouldn't Have To Go So Fast.

Steven Wright Quotes (68) - I Watched The Indy 500, And I Was Thi... - QuotesI Watched The Indy 500, And I Was Thinking That If They Left Earlier They Wouldn't Have To Go So Fast.

Steven Wright Quotes (68) - I Watched The Indy 500, And I Was Thi... - Quotes

It Doesn't Make A Difference What Temperature A Room Is, It's Always Room Temperature.

Steven Wright Quotes (69) - It Doesn't Make A Difference What Tem... - QuotesIt Doesn't Make A Difference What Temperature A Room Is, It's Always Room Temperature.

Steven Wright Quotes (69) - It Doesn't Make A Difference What Tem... - Quotes

It's A Small World, But I Wouldn't Want To Have To Paint It.

Steven Wright Quotes (70) - It's A Small World, But I Wouldn't Wa... - QuotesIt's A Small World, But I Wouldn't Want To Have To Paint It.

Steven Wright Quotes (70) - It's A Small World, But I Wouldn't Wa... - Quotes

I Like To Reminisce With People I Don't Know.

Steven Wright Quotes (7) - I Like To Reminisce With People I Don'... - QuotesI Like To Reminisce With People I Don't Know.

Steven Wright Quotes (7) - I Like To Reminisce With People I Don'... - Quotes