Steven Wright Quotes And Sayings

Steven Alexander Wright is an American comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical, and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations. Wright was ranked as the twenty-third greatest comedian by Comedy Central in a list of the 100 greatest stand-up comics. He was awarded the Academy Award for Best Live Action Short Film for his 1988 short film The Appointments of Dennis Jennings.  

I Was A Peripheral Visionary. I Could See The Future, But Only Way Off To The Side.

Steven Wright Quotes (10) - I Was A Peripheral Visionary. I Could... - QuotesI Was A Peripheral Visionary. I Could See The Future, But Only Way Off To The Side.

Steven Wright Quotes (10) - I Was A Peripheral Visionary. I Could... - Quotes

Whenever I Think Of The Past, It Brings Back So Many Memories.

Steven Wright Quotes (1) - Whenever I Think Of The Past, It Bring... - QuotesWhenever I Think Of The Past, It Brings Back So Many Memories.

Steven Wright Quotes (1) - Whenever I Think Of The Past, It Bring... - Quotes

In A Lot Of Ways, Success Is Much Harder Than I Thought It Would Be. I Figured That You'd Get Here And Then Everything Would Be Happily Ever After. But, It's Hard Work, Almost Harder Once You're Successful Because You've Got To Maintain It.

Steven Wright Quotes (101) - In A Lot Of Ways, Success Is Much Ha... - QuotesIn A Lot Of Ways, Success Is Much Harder Than I Thought It Would Be. I Figured That You'd Get Here And Then Everything Would Be Happily Ever After. But, It's Hard Work, Almost Harder Once You're Successful Because You've Got To Maintain It.

Steven Wright Quotes (101) - In A Lot Of Ways, Success Is Much Ha... - Quotes

Real Life? Well, I Just Hope Mine Isn't Investigated. They Might Find That I Don't Really Exist - That I'm Just A Hologram.

Steven Wright Quotes (102) - Real Life? Well, I Just Hope Mine Is... - QuotesReal Life? Well, I Just Hope Mine Isn't Investigated. They Might Find That I Don't Really Exist - That I'm Just A Hologram.

Steven Wright Quotes (102) - Real Life? Well, I Just Hope Mine Is... - Quotes

It Seems Like We Wake Up And It's A Race Until You Get To Bed. It Gets To You After A While And You Think, 'What The Hell Am I Doing?'

Steven Wright Quotes (100) - It Seems Like We Wake Up And It's A ... - QuotesIt Seems Like We Wake Up And It's A Race Until You Get To Bed. It Gets To You After A While And You Think, 'What The Hell Am I Doing?'

Steven Wright Quotes (100) - It Seems Like We Wake Up And It's A ... - Quotes

I Just Got Out Of The Hospital. I Was In A Speed-reading Accident. I Hit A Bookmark.

Steven Wright Quotes (103) - I Just Got Out Of The Hospital. I Wa... - QuotesI Just Got Out Of The Hospital. I Was In A Speed-reading Accident. I Hit A Bookmark.

Steven Wright Quotes (103) - I Just Got Out Of The Hospital. I Wa... - Quotes

When I Was 16... I Worked In A Pet Store. And They Fired Me Because... They Had Three Snakes In There, And One Day I Braided Them.

Steven Wright Quotes (104) - When I Was 16... I Worked In A Pet S... - QuotesWhen I Was 16... I Worked In A Pet Store. And They Fired Me Because... They Had Three Snakes In There, And One Day I Braided Them.

Steven Wright Quotes (104) - When I Was 16... I Worked In A Pet S... - Quotes

You Know Those Things That You Throw The Twigs Into And It Spits Them Out? That's What I Do. The Branches Are Like Life, And I Throw Them Into My Head And Some Of It Comes Out As Humor.

Steven Wright Quotes (105) - You Know Those Things That You Throw... - QuotesYou Know Those Things That You Throw The Twigs Into And It Spits Them Out? That's What I Do. The Branches Are Like Life, And I Throw Them Into My Head And Some Of It Comes Out As Humor.

Steven Wright Quotes (105) - You Know Those Things That You Throw... - Quotes

I Was Arrested For Lip-syncing Karaoke.

Steven Wright Quotes (106) - I Was Arrested For Lip-syncing Karao... - QuotesI Was Arrested For Lip-syncing Karaoke.

Steven Wright Quotes (106) - I Was Arrested For Lip-syncing Karao... - Quotes

Good Jokes Are Gems. A Good Idea Is Hard To Come By. I Couldn't Give Them To Someone Else, Even For Money. It Just Wouldn't Seem Right.

Steven Wright Quotes (107) - Good Jokes Are Gems. A Good Idea Is ... - QuotesGood Jokes Are Gems. A Good Idea Is Hard To Come By. I Couldn't Give Them To Someone Else, Even For Money. It Just Wouldn't Seem Right.

Steven Wright Quotes (107) - Good Jokes Are Gems. A Good Idea Is ... - Quotes

All Those Who Believe In Psychokinesis - Raise My Hand.

Steven Wright Quotes (108) - All Those Who Believe In Psychokines... - QuotesAll Those Who Believe In Psychokinesis - Raise My Hand.

Steven Wright Quotes (108) - All Those Who Believe In Psychokines... - Quotes

If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?

Steven Wright Quotes (109) - If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You ... - QuotesIf Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?

Steven Wright Quotes (109) - If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You ... - Quotes

Ok, So What's The Speed Of Dark?

Steven Wright Quotes (110) - Ok, So What's The Speed Of Dark?... - QuotesOk, So What's The Speed Of Dark?

Steven Wright Quotes (110) - Ok, So What's The Speed Of Dark?... - Quotes

It's Very Interesting, The Joke Comes First And Then The Wording Comes Within Five Seconds, Maybe Ten Seconds. My Thing Is To Get The Joke Across In As Few Words As Possible. However, Sometimes A Word That's Not Really Needed Does Help The Rhythm Of It. It's A Gut Feeling.

Steven Wright Quotes (11) - It's Very Interesting, The Joke Comes... - QuotesIt's Very Interesting, The Joke Comes First And Then The Wording Comes Within Five Seconds, Maybe Ten Seconds. My Thing Is To Get The Joke Across In As Few Words As Possible. However, Sometimes A Word That's Not Really Needed Does Help The Rhythm Of It. It's A Gut Feeling.

Steven Wright Quotes (11) - It's Very Interesting, The Joke Comes... - Quotes

I Bought Some Batteries, But They Weren't Included.

Steven Wright Quotes (111) - I Bought Some Batteries, But They We... - QuotesI Bought Some Batteries, But They Weren't Included.

Steven Wright Quotes (111) - I Bought Some Batteries, But They We... - Quotes

George Is A Radio Announcer, And When He Walks Under A Bridge... You Can't Hear Him Talk.

Steven Wright Quotes (112) - George Is A Radio Announcer, And Whe... - QuotesGeorge Is A Radio Announcer, And When He Walks Under A Bridge... You Can't Hear Him Talk.

Steven Wright Quotes (112) - George Is A Radio Announcer, And Whe... - Quotes

How Young Can You Die Of Old Age?

Steven Wright Quotes (113) - How Young Can You Die Of Old Age?... - QuotesHow Young Can You Die Of Old Age?

Steven Wright Quotes (113) - How Young Can You Die Of Old Age?... - Quotes

If It's A Penny For Your Thoughts And You Put In Your Two Cents Worth, Then Someone, Somewhere Is Making A Penny.

Steven Wright Quotes (114) - If It's A Penny For Your Thoughts An... - QuotesIf It's A Penny For Your Thoughts And You Put In Your Two Cents Worth, Then Someone, Somewhere Is Making A Penny.

Steven Wright Quotes (114) - If It's A Penny For Your Thoughts An... - Quotes

Babies Don't Need A Vacation, But I Still See Them At The Beach... It Pisses Me Off! I'll Go Over To A Little Baby And Say 'What Are You Doing Here? You Haven't Worked A Day In Your Life!'

Steven Wright Quotes (115) - Babies Don't Need A Vacation, But I ... - QuotesBabies Don't Need A Vacation, But I Still See Them At The Beach... It Pisses Me Off! I'll Go Over To A Little Baby And Say 'What Are You Doing Here? You Haven't Worked A Day In Your Life!'

Steven Wright Quotes (115) - Babies Don't Need A Vacation, But I ... - Quotes

I'm Going To Get An Mri To Find Out Whether I Have Claustrophobia.

Steven Wright Quotes (116) - I'm Going To Get An Mri To Find Out ... - QuotesI'm Going To Get An Mri To Find Out Whether I Have Claustrophobia.

Steven Wright Quotes (116) - I'm Going To Get An Mri To Find Out ... - Quotes

If I Ever Had Twins, I'd Use One For Parts.

Steven Wright Quotes (117) - If I Ever Had Twins, I'd Use One For... - QuotesIf I Ever Had Twins, I'd Use One For Parts.

Steven Wright Quotes (117) - If I Ever Had Twins, I'd Use One For... - Quotes

I Have Two Pairs Of Reading Glasses. One Pair Is For Reading Fiction, The Other For Non-fiction. I've Read The Bible Twice Wearing Each Pair, And It's The Same.

Steven Wright Quotes (118) - I Have Two Pairs Of Reading Glasses.... - QuotesI Have Two Pairs Of Reading Glasses. One Pair Is For Reading Fiction, The Other For Non-fiction. I've Read The Bible Twice Wearing Each Pair, And It's The Same.

Steven Wright Quotes (118) - I Have Two Pairs Of Reading Glasses.... - Quotes

Only One In Four Jokes Ever Works, And I Still Can't Predict What People Will Laugh At.

Steven Wright Quotes (12) - Only One In Four Jokes Ever Works, An... - QuotesOnly One In Four Jokes Ever Works, And I Still Can't Predict What People Will Laugh At.

Steven Wright Quotes (12) - Only One In Four Jokes Ever Works, An... - Quotes

When I Was A Kid, I Never Did Funny Things To Get Attention. I Was Never A Funny Person. I Was Never, Like, 'Oh, Wow. I Could Say This Some Day On Stage.'

Steven Wright Quotes (120) - When I Was A Kid, I Never Did Funny ... - QuotesWhen I Was A Kid, I Never Did Funny Things To Get Attention. I Was Never A Funny Person. I Was Never, Like, 'Oh, Wow. I Could Say This Some Day On Stage.'

Steven Wright Quotes (120) - When I Was A Kid, I Never Did Funny ... - Quotes

I Don't Feel That I'm Explaining The World Or Teaching People Anything. And I'm Not Trying To Be A Mirror, Showing Them What's Really Going On The World. All I'm Trying To Do Is Think Of Stuff That's Funny, Just Like When I'm Kidding Around With My Friends.

Steven Wright Quotes (119) - I Don't Feel That I'm Explaining The... - QuotesI Don't Feel That I'm Explaining The World Or Teaching People Anything. And I'm Not Trying To Be A Mirror, Showing Them What's Really Going On The World. All I'm Trying To Do Is Think Of Stuff That's Funny, Just Like When I'm Kidding Around With My Friends.

Steven Wright Quotes (119) - I Don't Feel That I'm Explaining The... - Quotes

It's Very Intense To Be In Front Of A Live Audience. It's Just An Amazing Experience. It's Dangerous. Everything Out There Is Heightened. The Bad Stuff Is Extra-worse. The Silences Are Extra-silent. The Good Stuff Is Amazing. It's Electric When You Walk Out There. For 90 Minutes, You're On This Other Planet.

Steven Wright Quotes (122) - It's Very Intense To Be In Front Of ... - QuotesIt's Very Intense To Be In Front Of A Live Audience. It's Just An Amazing Experience. It's Dangerous. Everything Out There Is Heightened. The Bad Stuff Is Extra-worse. The Silences Are Extra-silent. The Good Stuff Is Amazing. It's Electric When You Walk Out There. For 90 Minutes, You're On This Other Planet.

Steven Wright Quotes (122) - It's Very Intense To Be In Front Of ... - Quotes

I'm Writing An Unauthorized Autobiography.

Steven Wright Quotes (123) - I'm Writing An Unauthorized Autobiog... - QuotesI'm Writing An Unauthorized Autobiography.

Steven Wright Quotes (123) - I'm Writing An Unauthorized Autobiog... - Quotes

If God Dropped Acid, Would He See People?

Steven Wright Quotes (124) - If God Dropped Acid, Would He See Pe... - QuotesIf God Dropped Acid, Would He See People?

Steven Wright Quotes (124) - If God Dropped Acid, Would He See Pe... - Quotes

I Didn't Tell Any Of My Friends That I Wanted To Be A Comedian, Because I Was Superstitious. I Thought If I Told People, It Wouldn't Happen. So I Kept It All In My Head For Years And Years.

Steven Wright Quotes (121) - I Didn't Tell Any Of My Friends That... - QuotesI Didn't Tell Any Of My Friends That I Wanted To Be A Comedian, Because I Was Superstitious. I Thought If I Told People, It Wouldn't Happen. So I Kept It All In My Head For Years And Years.

Steven Wright Quotes (121) - I Didn't Tell Any Of My Friends That... - Quotes

It's Like The Wild West, The Internet. There Are No Rules.

Steven Wright Quotes (125) - It's Like The Wild West, The Interne... - QuotesIt's Like The Wild West, The Internet. There Are No Rules.

Steven Wright Quotes (125) - It's Like The Wild West, The Interne... - Quotes

I've Been Doing Comedy Longer Than I Haven't Been Doing Comedy, As I Was Performing For Three Years Before I Even Got On 'The Tonight Show.' There's Truly Nothing Like It; It's Intense And Exhilarating, Even Though It Looks So Casual.

Steven Wright Quotes (126) - I've Been Doing Comedy Longer Than I... - QuotesI've Been Doing Comedy Longer Than I Haven't Been Doing Comedy, As I Was Performing For Three Years Before I Even Got On 'The Tonight Show.' There's Truly Nothing Like It; It's Intense And Exhilarating, Even Though It Looks So Casual.

Steven Wright Quotes (126) - I've Been Doing Comedy Longer Than I... - Quotes

My Act Is An Exaggeration Of A Part Of Me. I'm Much More Expressive Off Stage.

Steven Wright Quotes (128) - My Act Is An Exaggeration Of A Part ... - QuotesMy Act Is An Exaggeration Of A Part Of Me. I'm Much More Expressive Off Stage.

Steven Wright Quotes (128) - My Act Is An Exaggeration Of A Part ... - Quotes

I Don't Like Politicians, And I Don't Like Politics. I Definitely Don't Want To Be Associated With Any Of Them.

Steven Wright Quotes (129) - I Don't Like Politicians, And I Don'... - QuotesI Don't Like Politicians, And I Don't Like Politics. I Definitely Don't Want To Be Associated With Any Of Them.

Steven Wright Quotes (129) - I Don't Like Politicians, And I Don'... - Quotes

I Feel Very Lucky To Make A Living From My Imagination; I'm Very Grateful For That. I Like That What I Do Is Create. I'm Feeling Very Lucky To Have Had The Career I Had. It's Gone Much Longer And Bigger Than I Ever Thought It Would Be.

Steven Wright Quotes (127) - I Feel Very Lucky To Make A Living F... - QuotesI Feel Very Lucky To Make A Living From My Imagination; I'm Very Grateful For That. I Like That What I Do Is Create. I'm Feeling Very Lucky To Have Had The Career I Had. It's Gone Much Longer And Bigger Than I Ever Thought It Would Be.

Steven Wright Quotes (127) - I Feel Very Lucky To Make A Living F... - Quotes

I'm Seeing The World Partially Through The Eyes Of A Kid. Not All The Time. There's No Black And White To It. But Sometimes I'm Seeing It Like I'm 4.

Steven Wright Quotes (13) - I'm Seeing The World Partially Throug... - QuotesI'm Seeing The World Partially Through The Eyes Of A Kid. Not All The Time. There's No Black And White To It. But Sometimes I'm Seeing It Like I'm 4.

Steven Wright Quotes (13) - I'm Seeing The World Partially Throug... - Quotes

I Just Have A Relationship With My Imagination. It's Like My Friend, Almost.

Steven Wright Quotes (130) - I Just Have A Relationship With My I... - QuotesI Just Have A Relationship With My Imagination. It's Like My Friend, Almost.

Steven Wright Quotes (130) - I Just Have A Relationship With My I... - Quotes

One Day A Guy Tried To Rob Me On The Street, And I Had No Money. So I Charged Him.

Steven Wright Quotes (131) - One Day A Guy Tried To Rob Me On The... - QuotesOne Day A Guy Tried To Rob Me On The Street, And I Had No Money. So I Charged Him.

Steven Wright Quotes (131) - One Day A Guy Tried To Rob Me On The... - Quotes

I Was Reading The Dictionary. I Thought It Was A Poem About Everything.

Steven Wright Quotes (132) - I Was Reading The Dictionary. I Thou... - QuotesI Was Reading The Dictionary. I Thought It Was A Poem About Everything.

Steven Wright Quotes (132) - I Was Reading The Dictionary. I Thou... - Quotes

I Was Walking Down The Street Wearing Glasses When The Prescription Ran Out.

Steven Wright Quotes (134) - I Was Walking Down The Street Wearin... - QuotesI Was Walking Down The Street Wearing Glasses When The Prescription Ran Out.

Steven Wright Quotes (134) - I Was Walking Down The Street Wearin... - Quotes

In Vegas, I Got Into A Long Argument With The Man At The Roulette Wheel Over What I Considered To Be An Odd Number.

Steven Wright Quotes (133) - In Vegas, I Got Into A Long Argument... - QuotesIn Vegas, I Got Into A Long Argument With The Man At The Roulette Wheel Over What I Considered To Be An Odd Number.

Steven Wright Quotes (133) - In Vegas, I Got Into A Long Argument... - Quotes

I Had Some Eyeglasses. I Was Walking Down The Street When Suddenly The Prescription Ran Out.

Steven Wright Quotes (135) - I Had Some Eyeglasses. I Was Walking... - QuotesI Had Some Eyeglasses. I Was Walking Down The Street When Suddenly The Prescription Ran Out.

Steven Wright Quotes (135) - I Had Some Eyeglasses. I Was Walking... - Quotes

I Got This Powdered Water - Now I Don't Know What To Add.

Steven Wright Quotes (136) - I Got This Powdered Water - Now I Do... - QuotesI Got This Powdered Water - Now I Don't Know What To Add.

Steven Wright Quotes (136) - I Got This Powdered Water - Now I Do... - Quotes

Is It Weird In Here, Or Is It Just Me?

Steven Wright Quotes (137) - Is It Weird In Here, Or Is It Just M... - QuotesIs It Weird In Here, Or Is It Just Me?

Steven Wright Quotes (137) - Is It Weird In Here, Or Is It Just M... - Quotes

At One Point He Decided Enough Was Enough.

Steven Wright Quotes (138) - At One Point He Decided Enough Was E... - QuotesAt One Point He Decided Enough Was Enough.

Steven Wright Quotes (138) - At One Point He Decided Enough Was E... - Quotes

I Don't Get Up, Get Dressed, Go Out, And Think, 'Okay, I Gotta Find Eight Jokes.'

Steven Wright Quotes (139) - I Don't Get Up, Get Dressed, Go Out,... - QuotesI Don't Get Up, Get Dressed, Go Out, And Think, 'Okay, I Gotta Find Eight Jokes.'

Steven Wright Quotes (139) - I Don't Get Up, Get Dressed, Go Out,... - Quotes

I Kept A Diary Right After I Was Born. Day 1: Tired From The Move. Day 2: Everyone Thinks I'm An Idiot.

Steven Wright Quotes (14) - I Kept A Diary Right After I Was Born... - QuotesI Kept A Diary Right After I Was Born. Day 1: Tired From The Move. Day 2: Everyone Thinks I'm An Idiot.

Steven Wright Quotes (14) - I Kept A Diary Right After I Was Born... - Quotes

I Haven't Changed At All. I'm The Same As When I Was 11.

Steven Wright Quotes (140) - I Haven't Changed At All. I'm The Sa... - QuotesI Haven't Changed At All. I'm The Same As When I Was 11.

Steven Wright Quotes (140) - I Haven't Changed At All. I'm The Sa... - Quotes

A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.

Steven Wright Quotes (142) - A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Si... - QuotesA Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.

Steven Wright Quotes (142) - A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Si... - Quotes

I Have All The Emotions That Everyone Has; It Just Appears That I Don't.

Steven Wright Quotes (141) - I Have All The Emotions That Everyon... - QuotesI Have All The Emotions That Everyone Has; It Just Appears That I Don't.

Steven Wright Quotes (141) - I Have All The Emotions That Everyon... - Quotes

Experience Is Something You Don't Get Until Just After You Need It.

Steven Wright Quotes (143) - Experience Is Something You Don't Ge... - QuotesExperience Is Something You Don't Get Until Just After You Need It.

Steven Wright Quotes (143) - Experience Is Something You Don't Ge... - Quotes