Erma Bombeck Quotes And Sayings

Erma Louise Bombeck was an American humorist who achieved great popularity for her newspaper column that described suburban home life from the mid-1960s until the late 1990s. Bombeck also published 15 books, most of which became bestsellers. From 1965 to 1996, Erma Bombeck wrote over 4,000 newspaper columns, using broad and sometimes eloquent humor, chronicling the ordinary life of a midwestern suburban housewife. By the 1970s, her columns were read twice-weekly by 30 million readers of the 900 newspapers in the U.S. and Canada.

There's Nothing Sadder In This World Than To Awake Christmas Morning And Not Be A Child.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (11) - There's Nothing Sadder In This World T... - QuotesThere's Nothing Sadder In This World Than To Awake Christmas Morning And Not Be A Child.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (11) - There's Nothing Sadder In This World T... - Quotes

Thanksgiving Dinners Take Eighteen Hours To Prepare. They Are Consumed In Twelve Minutes. Half-times Take Twelve Minutes. This Is Not Coincidence.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (1) - Thanksgiving Dinners Take Eighteen Hour... - QuotesThanksgiving Dinners Take Eighteen Hours To Prepare. They Are Consumed In Twelve Minutes. Half-times Take Twelve Minutes. This Is Not Coincidence.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (1) - Thanksgiving Dinners Take Eighteen Hour... - Quotes

Don't Confuse Fame With Success. Madonna Is One; Helen Keller Is The Other.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (10) - Don't Confuse Fame With Success. Madon... - QuotesDon't Confuse Fame With Success. Madonna Is One; Helen Keller Is The Other.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (10) - Don't Confuse Fame With Success. Madon... - Quotes

There Is A Thin Line That Separates Laughter And Pain, Comedy And Tragedy, Humor And Hurt.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (12) - There Is A Thin Line That Separates La... - QuotesThere Is A Thin Line That Separates Laughter And Pain, Comedy And Tragedy, Humor And Hurt.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (12) - There Is A Thin Line That Separates La... - Quotes

Housework, If You Do It Right, Will Kill You.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (13) - Housework, If You Do It Right, Will Ki... - QuotesHousework, If You Do It Right, Will Kill You.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (13) - Housework, If You Do It Right, Will Ki... - Quotes

I Have A Theory About The Human Mind. A Brain Is A Lot Like A Computer. It Will Only Take So Many Facts, And Then It Will Go On Overload And Blow Up.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (14) - I Have A Theory About The Human Mind. ... - QuotesI Have A Theory About The Human Mind. A Brain Is A Lot Like A Computer. It Will Only Take So Many Facts, And Then It Will Go On Overload And Blow Up.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (14) - I Have A Theory About The Human Mind. ... - Quotes

Never Have More Children Than You Have Car Windows.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (16) - Never Have More Children Than You Have... - QuotesNever Have More Children Than You Have Car Windows.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (16) - Never Have More Children Than You Have... - Quotes

I Haven't Trusted Polls Since I Read That 62% Of Women Had Affairs During Their Lunch Hour. I've Never Met A Woman In My Life Who Would Give Up Lunch For Sex.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (15) - I Haven't Trusted Polls Since I Read T... - QuotesI Haven't Trusted Polls Since I Read That 62% Of Women Had Affairs During Their Lunch Hour. I've Never Met A Woman In My Life Who Would Give Up Lunch For Sex.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (15) - I Haven't Trusted Polls Since I Read T... - Quotes

Thanks To My Mother, Not A Single Cardboard Box Has Found Its Way Back Into Society. We Receive Gifts In Boxes From Stores That Went Out Of Business Twenty Years Ago.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (17) - Thanks To My Mother, Not A Single Card... - QuotesThanks To My Mother, Not A Single Cardboard Box Has Found Its Way Back Into Society. We Receive Gifts In Boxes From Stores That Went Out Of Business Twenty Years Ago.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (17) - Thanks To My Mother, Not A Single Card... - Quotes

Who In Their Infinite Wisdom Decreed That Little League Uniforms Be White? Certainly Not A Mother.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (18) - Who In Their Infinite Wisdom Decreed T... - QuotesWho In Their Infinite Wisdom Decreed That Little League Uniforms Be White? Certainly Not A Mother.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (18) - Who In Their Infinite Wisdom Decreed T... - Quotes

I Come From A Family Where Gravy Is Considered A Beverage.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (2) - I Come From A Family Where Gravy Is Con... - QuotesI Come From A Family Where Gravy Is Considered A Beverage.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (2) - I Come From A Family Where Gravy Is Con... - Quotes

The Only Reason I Would Take Up Jogging Is So That I Could Hear Heavy Breathing Again.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (19) - The Only Reason I Would Take Up Joggin... - QuotesThe Only Reason I Would Take Up Jogging Is So That I Could Hear Heavy Breathing Again.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (19) - The Only Reason I Would Take Up Joggin... - Quotes

A Friend Will Tell You She Saw Your Old Boyfriend - And He's A Priest.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (20) - A Friend Will Tell You She Saw Your Ol... - QuotesA Friend Will Tell You She Saw Your Old Boyfriend - And He's A Priest.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (20) - A Friend Will Tell You She Saw Your Ol... - Quotes

I Take A Very Practical View Of Raising Children. I Put A Sign In Each Of Their Rooms: 'Checkout Time Is 18 Years.'

Erma Bombeck Quotes (22) - I Take A Very Practical View Of Raisin... - QuotesI Take A Very Practical View Of Raising Children. I Put A Sign In Each Of Their Rooms: 'Checkout Time Is 18 Years.'

Erma Bombeck Quotes (22) - I Take A Very Practical View Of Raisin... - Quotes

Once You Get A Spice In Your Home, You Have It Forever. Women Never Throw Out Spices. The Egyptians Were Buried With Their Spices. I Know Which One I'm Taking With Me When I Go.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (21) - Once You Get A Spice In Your Home, You... - QuotesOnce You Get A Spice In Your Home, You Have It Forever. Women Never Throw Out Spices. The Egyptians Were Buried With Their Spices. I Know Which One I'm Taking With Me When I Go.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (21) - Once You Get A Spice In Your Home, You... - Quotes

A Grandmother Pretends She Doesn't Know Who You Are On Halloween.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (23) - A Grandmother Pretends She Doesn't Kno... - QuotesA Grandmother Pretends She Doesn't Know Who You Are On Halloween.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (23) - A Grandmother Pretends She Doesn't Kno... - Quotes

It Is Not Until You Become A Mother That Your Judgment Slowly Turns To Compassion And Understanding.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (25) - It Is Not Until You Become A Mother Th... - QuotesIt Is Not Until You Become A Mother That Your Judgment Slowly Turns To Compassion And Understanding.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (25) - It Is Not Until You Become A Mother Th... - Quotes

For Years My Wedding Ring Has Done Its Job. It Has Led Me Not Into Temptation. It Has Reminded My Husband Numerous Times At Parties That It's Time To Go Home. It Has Been A Source Of Relief To A Dinner Companion. It Has Been A Status Symbol In The Maternity Ward.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (24) - For Years My Wedding Ring Has Done Its... - QuotesFor Years My Wedding Ring Has Done Its Job. It Has Led Me Not Into Temptation. It Has Reminded My Husband Numerous Times At Parties That It's Time To Go Home. It Has Been A Source Of Relief To A Dinner Companion. It Has Been A Status Symbol In The Maternity Ward.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (24) - For Years My Wedding Ring Has Done Its... - Quotes

I Never Leaf Through A Copy Of National Geographic Without Realizing How Lucky We Are To Live In A Society Where It Is Traditional To Wear Clothes.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (27) - I Never Leaf Through A Copy Of Nationa... - QuotesI Never Leaf Through A Copy Of National Geographic Without Realizing How Lucky We Are To Live In A Society Where It Is Traditional To Wear Clothes.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (27) - I Never Leaf Through A Copy Of Nationa... - Quotes

Never Go To Your High School Reunion Pregnant Or They Will Think That Is All You Have Done Since You Graduated.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (28) - Never Go To Your High School Reunion P... - QuotesNever Go To Your High School Reunion Pregnant Or They Will Think That Is All You Have Done Since You Graduated.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (28) - Never Go To Your High School Reunion P... - Quotes

House Guests Should Be Regarded As Perishables: Leave Them Out Too Long And They Go Bad.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (26) - House Guests Should Be Regarded As Per... - QuotesHouse Guests Should Be Regarded As Perishables: Leave Them Out Too Long And They Go Bad.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (26) - House Guests Should Be Regarded As Per... - Quotes

Sometimes I Can't Figure Designers Out. It's As If They Flunked Human Anatomy.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (29) - Sometimes I Can't Figure Designers Out... - QuotesSometimes I Can't Figure Designers Out. It's As If They Flunked Human Anatomy.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (29) - Sometimes I Can't Figure Designers Out... - Quotes

There Is Nothing More Miserable In The World Than To Arrive In Paradise And Look Like Your Passport Photo.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (30) - There Is Nothing More Miserable In The... - QuotesThere Is Nothing More Miserable In The World Than To Arrive In Paradise And Look Like Your Passport Photo.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (30) - There Is Nothing More Miserable In The... - Quotes

Never Go To A Doctor Whose Office Plants Have Died.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (3) - Never Go To A Doctor Whose Office Plant... - QuotesNever Go To A Doctor Whose Office Plants Have Died.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (3) - Never Go To A Doctor Whose Office Plant... - Quotes

Never Lend Your Car To Anyone To Whom You Have Given Birth.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (33) - Never Lend Your Car To Anyone To Whom ... - QuotesNever Lend Your Car To Anyone To Whom You Have Given Birth.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (33) - Never Lend Your Car To Anyone To Whom ... - Quotes

When A Child Is Locked In The Bathroom With Water Running And He Says He's Doing Nothing But The Dog Is Barking, Call 911.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (31) - When A Child Is Locked In The Bathroom... - QuotesWhen A Child Is Locked In The Bathroom With Water Running And He Says He's Doing Nothing But The Dog Is Barking, Call 911.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (31) - When A Child Is Locked In The Bathroom... - Quotes

There Is One Thing I Have Never Taught My Body How To Do And That Is To Figure Out At 6 A.m. What It Wants To Eat At 6 P.m.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (32) - There Is One Thing I Have Never Taught... - QuotesThere Is One Thing I Have Never Taught My Body How To Do And That Is To Figure Out At 6 A.m. What It Wants To Eat At 6 P.m.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (32) - There Is One Thing I Have Never Taught... - Quotes

Guilt: The Gift That Keeps On Giving.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (34) - Guilt: The Gift That Keeps On Giving.... - QuotesGuilt: The Gift That Keeps On Giving.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (34) - Guilt: The Gift That Keeps On Giving.... - Quotes

If You Can't Make It Better, You Can Laugh At It.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (35) - If You Can't Make It Better, You Can L... - QuotesIf You Can't Make It Better, You Can Laugh At It.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (35) - If You Can't Make It Better, You Can L... - Quotes

Dreams Have Only One Owner At A Time. That's Why Dreamers Are Lonely.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (36) - Dreams Have Only One Owner At A Time. ... - QuotesDreams Have Only One Owner At A Time. That's Why Dreamers Are Lonely.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (36) - Dreams Have Only One Owner At A Time. ... - Quotes

It Takes A Lot Of Courage To Show Your Dreams To Someone Else.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (37) - It Takes A Lot Of Courage To Show Your... - QuotesIt Takes A Lot Of Courage To Show Your Dreams To Someone Else.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (37) - It Takes A Lot Of Courage To Show Your... - Quotes

When Humor Goes, There Goes Civilization.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (38) - When Humor Goes, There Goes Civilizati... - QuotesWhen Humor Goes, There Goes Civilization.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (38) - When Humor Goes, There Goes Civilizati... - Quotes

Did You Ever Notice That The First Piece Of Luggage On The Carousel Never Belongs To Anyone?

Erma Bombeck Quotes (39) - Did You Ever Notice That The First Pie... - QuotesDid You Ever Notice That The First Piece Of Luggage On The Carousel Never Belongs To Anyone?

Erma Bombeck Quotes (39) - Did You Ever Notice That The First Pie... - Quotes

One Thing They Never Tell You About Child Raising Is That For The Rest Of Your Life, At The Drop Of A Hat, You Are Expected To Know Your Child's Name And How Old He Or She Is.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (4) - One Thing They Never Tell You About Chi... - QuotesOne Thing They Never Tell You About Child Raising Is That For The Rest Of Your Life, At The Drop Of A Hat, You Are Expected To Know Your Child's Name And How Old He Or She Is.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (4) - One Thing They Never Tell You About Chi... - Quotes

Youngsters Of The Age Of Two And Three Are Endowed With Extraordinary Strength. They Can Lift A Dog Twice Their Own Weight And Dump Him Into The Bathtub.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (41) - Youngsters Of The Age Of Two And Three... - QuotesYoungsters Of The Age Of Two And Three Are Endowed With Extraordinary Strength. They Can Lift A Dog Twice Their Own Weight And Dump Him Into The Bathtub.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (41) - Youngsters Of The Age Of Two And Three... - Quotes

On Vacations: We Hit The Sunny Beaches Where We Occupy Ourselves Keeping The Sun Off Our Skin, The Saltwater Off Our Bodies, And The Sand Out Of Our Belongings.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (40) - On Vacations: We Hit The Sunny Beaches... - QuotesOn Vacations: We Hit The Sunny Beaches Where We Occupy Ourselves Keeping The Sun Off Our Skin, The Saltwater Off Our Bodies, And The Sand Out Of Our Belongings.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (40) - On Vacations: We Hit The Sunny Beaches... - Quotes

My Theory On Housework Is, If The Item Doesn't Multiply, Smell, Catch Fire, Or Block The Refrigerator Door, Let It Be. No One Else Cares. Why Should You?

Erma Bombeck Quotes (43) - My Theory On Housework Is, If The Item... - QuotesMy Theory On Housework Is, If The Item Doesn't Multiply, Smell, Catch Fire, Or Block The Refrigerator Door, Let It Be. No One Else Cares. Why Should You?

Erma Bombeck Quotes (43) - My Theory On Housework Is, If The Item... - Quotes

I Have A Hat. It Is Graceful And Feminine And Give Me A Certain Dignity, As If I Were Attending A State Funeral Or Something. Someday I May Get Up Enough Courage To Wear It, Instead Of Carrying It.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (44) - I Have A Hat. It Is Graceful And Femin... - QuotesI Have A Hat. It Is Graceful And Feminine And Give Me A Certain Dignity, As If I Were Attending A State Funeral Or Something. Someday I May Get Up Enough Courage To Wear It, Instead Of Carrying It.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (44) - I Have A Hat. It Is Graceful And Femin... - Quotes

Do You Know What You Call Those Who Use Towels And Never Wash Them, Eat Meals And Never Do The Dishes, Sit In Rooms They Never Clean, And Are Entertained Till They Drop? If You Have Just Answered, 'A House Guest,' You're Wrong Because I Have Just Described My Kids.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (42) - Do You Know What You Call Those Who Us... - QuotesDo You Know What You Call Those Who Use Towels And Never Wash Them, Eat Meals And Never Do The Dishes, Sit In Rooms They Never Clean, And Are Entertained Till They Drop? If You Have Just Answered, 'A House Guest,' You're Wrong Because I Have Just Described My Kids.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (42) - Do You Know What You Call Those Who Us... - Quotes

In General My Children Refuse To Eat Anything That Hasn't Danced In Television.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (46) - In General My Children Refuse To Eat A... - QuotesIn General My Children Refuse To Eat Anything That Hasn't Danced In Television.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (46) - In General My Children Refuse To Eat A... - Quotes

Why Would Anyone Steal A Shopping Cart? It's Like Stealing A Two-year-old.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (45) - Why Would Anyone Steal A Shopping Cart... - QuotesWhy Would Anyone Steal A Shopping Cart? It's Like Stealing A Two-year-old.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (45) - Why Would Anyone Steal A Shopping Cart... - Quotes

All Of Us Have Moments In Our Lives That Test Our Courage. Taking Children Into A House With A White Carpet Is One Of Them.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (47) - All Of Us Have Moments In Our Lives Th... - QuotesAll Of Us Have Moments In Our Lives That Test Our Courage. Taking Children Into A House With A White Carpet Is One Of Them.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (47) - All Of Us Have Moments In Our Lives Th... - Quotes

Most Women Put Off Entertaining Until The Kids Are Grown.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (49) - Most Women Put Off Entertaining Until ... - QuotesMost Women Put Off Entertaining Until The Kids Are Grown.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (49) - Most Women Put Off Entertaining Until ... - Quotes

Getting Out Of The Hospital Is A Lot Like Resigning From A Book Club. You're Not Out Of It Until The Computer Says You're Out Of It.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (48) - Getting Out Of The Hospital Is A Lot L... - QuotesGetting Out Of The Hospital Is A Lot Like Resigning From A Book Club. You're Not Out Of It Until The Computer Says You're Out Of It.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (48) - Getting Out Of The Hospital Is A Lot L... - Quotes

My Kids Always Perceived The Bathroom As A Place Where You Wait It Out Until All The Groceries Are Unloaded From The Car.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (5) - My Kids Always Perceived The Bathroom A... - QuotesMy Kids Always Perceived The Bathroom As A Place Where You Wait It Out Until All The Groceries Are Unloaded From The Car.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (5) - My Kids Always Perceived The Bathroom A... - Quotes

God Created Man, But I Could Do Better.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (51) - God Created Man, But I Could Do Better... - QuotesGod Created Man, But I Could Do Better.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (51) - God Created Man, But I Could Do Better... - Quotes

Humorists Can Never Start To Take Themselves Seriously. It's Literary Suicide.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (50) - Humorists Can Never Start To Take Them... - QuotesHumorists Can Never Start To Take Themselves Seriously. It's Literary Suicide.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (50) - Humorists Can Never Start To Take Them... - Quotes

If A Man Watches Three Football Games In A Row, He Should Be Declared Legally Dead.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (53) - If A Man Watches Three Football Games ... - QuotesIf A Man Watches Three Football Games In A Row, He Should Be Declared Legally Dead.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (53) - If A Man Watches Three Football Games ... - Quotes

For Some Of Us, Watching A Miniseries That Lasts Longer Than Most Marriages Is Not Easy.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (54) - For Some Of Us, Watching A Miniseries ... - QuotesFor Some Of Us, Watching A Miniseries That Lasts Longer Than Most Marriages Is Not Easy.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (54) - For Some Of Us, Watching A Miniseries ... - Quotes

I Will Buy Any Creme, Cosmetic, Or Elixir From A Woman With A European Accent.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (55) - I Will Buy Any Creme, Cosmetic, Or Eli... - QuotesI Will Buy Any Creme, Cosmetic, Or Elixir From A Woman With A European Accent.

Erma Bombeck Quotes (55) - I Will Buy Any Creme, Cosmetic, Or Eli... - Quotes