Erma Louise Bombeck was an American humorist who achieved great popularity for her newspaper column that described suburban home life from the mid-1960s until the late 1990s. Bombeck also published 15 books, most of which became bestsellers. From 1965 to 1996, Erma Bombeck wrote over 4,000 newspaper columns, using broad and sometimes eloquent humor, chronicling the ordinary life of a midwestern suburban housewife. By the 1970s, her columns were read twice-weekly by 30 million readers of the 900 newspapers in the U.S. and Canada.
There's Nothing Sadder In This World Than To Awake Christmas Morning And Not Be A Child.
Thanksgiving Dinners Take Eighteen Hours To Prepare. They Are Consumed In Twelve Minutes. Half-times Take Twelve Minutes. This Is Not Coincidence.
Don't Confuse Fame With Success. Madonna Is One; Helen Keller Is The Other.
There Is A Thin Line That Separates Laughter And Pain, Comedy And Tragedy, Humor And Hurt.
Housework, If You Do It Right, Will Kill You.
I Have A Theory About The Human Mind. A Brain Is A Lot Like A Computer. It Will Only Take So Many Facts, And Then It Will Go On Overload And Blow Up.
Never Have More Children Than You Have Car Windows.
I Haven't Trusted Polls Since I Read That 62% Of Women Had Affairs During Their Lunch Hour. I've Never Met A Woman In My Life Who Would Give Up Lunch For Sex.
Thanks To My Mother, Not A Single Cardboard Box Has Found Its Way Back Into Society. We Receive Gifts In Boxes From Stores That Went Out Of Business Twenty Years Ago.
Who In Their Infinite Wisdom Decreed That Little League Uniforms Be White? Certainly Not A Mother.
I Come From A Family Where Gravy Is Considered A Beverage.
The Only Reason I Would Take Up Jogging Is So That I Could Hear Heavy Breathing Again.
A Friend Will Tell You She Saw Your Old Boyfriend - And He's A Priest.
I Take A Very Practical View Of Raising Children. I Put A Sign In Each Of Their Rooms: 'Checkout Time Is 18 Years.'
Once You Get A Spice In Your Home, You Have It Forever. Women Never Throw Out Spices. The Egyptians Were Buried With Their Spices. I Know Which One I'm Taking With Me When I Go.
A Grandmother Pretends She Doesn't Know Who You Are On Halloween.
It Is Not Until You Become A Mother That Your Judgment Slowly Turns To Compassion And Understanding.
For Years My Wedding Ring Has Done Its Job. It Has Led Me Not Into Temptation. It Has Reminded My Husband Numerous Times At Parties That It's Time To Go Home. It Has Been A Source Of Relief To A Dinner Companion. It Has Been A Status Symbol In The Maternity Ward.
I Never Leaf Through A Copy Of National Geographic Without Realizing How Lucky We Are To Live In A Society Where It Is Traditional To Wear Clothes.
Never Go To Your High School Reunion Pregnant Or They Will Think That Is All You Have Done Since You Graduated.
House Guests Should Be Regarded As Perishables: Leave Them Out Too Long And They Go Bad.
Sometimes I Can't Figure Designers Out. It's As If They Flunked Human Anatomy.
There Is Nothing More Miserable In The World Than To Arrive In Paradise And Look Like Your Passport Photo.
Never Go To A Doctor Whose Office Plants Have Died.
Never Lend Your Car To Anyone To Whom You Have Given Birth.
When A Child Is Locked In The Bathroom With Water Running And He Says He's Doing Nothing But The Dog Is Barking, Call 911.
There Is One Thing I Have Never Taught My Body How To Do And That Is To Figure Out At 6 A.m. What It Wants To Eat At 6 P.m.
Guilt: The Gift That Keeps On Giving.
If You Can't Make It Better, You Can Laugh At It.
Dreams Have Only One Owner At A Time. That's Why Dreamers Are Lonely.
It Takes A Lot Of Courage To Show Your Dreams To Someone Else.
When Humor Goes, There Goes Civilization.
Did You Ever Notice That The First Piece Of Luggage On The Carousel Never Belongs To Anyone?
One Thing They Never Tell You About Child Raising Is That For The Rest Of Your Life, At The Drop Of A Hat, You Are Expected To Know Your Child's Name And How Old He Or She Is.
Youngsters Of The Age Of Two And Three Are Endowed With Extraordinary Strength. They Can Lift A Dog Twice Their Own Weight And Dump Him Into The Bathtub.
On Vacations: We Hit The Sunny Beaches Where We Occupy Ourselves Keeping The Sun Off Our Skin, The Saltwater Off Our Bodies, And The Sand Out Of Our Belongings.
My Theory On Housework Is, If The Item Doesn't Multiply, Smell, Catch Fire, Or Block The Refrigerator Door, Let It Be. No One Else Cares. Why Should You?
I Have A Hat. It Is Graceful And Feminine And Give Me A Certain Dignity, As If I Were Attending A State Funeral Or Something. Someday I May Get Up Enough Courage To Wear It, Instead Of Carrying It.
Do You Know What You Call Those Who Use Towels And Never Wash Them, Eat Meals And Never Do The Dishes, Sit In Rooms They Never Clean, And Are Entertained Till They Drop? If You Have Just Answered, 'A House Guest,' You're Wrong Because I Have Just Described My Kids.
In General My Children Refuse To Eat Anything That Hasn't Danced In Television.
Why Would Anyone Steal A Shopping Cart? It's Like Stealing A Two-year-old.
All Of Us Have Moments In Our Lives That Test Our Courage. Taking Children Into A House With A White Carpet Is One Of Them.
Most Women Put Off Entertaining Until The Kids Are Grown.
Getting Out Of The Hospital Is A Lot Like Resigning From A Book Club. You're Not Out Of It Until The Computer Says You're Out Of It.
My Kids Always Perceived The Bathroom As A Place Where You Wait It Out Until All The Groceries Are Unloaded From The Car.
God Created Man, But I Could Do Better.
Humorists Can Never Start To Take Themselves Seriously. It's Literary Suicide.
If A Man Watches Three Football Games In A Row, He Should Be Declared Legally Dead.
For Some Of Us, Watching A Miniseries That Lasts Longer Than Most Marriages Is Not Easy.
I Will Buy Any Creme, Cosmetic, Or Elixir From A Woman With A European Accent.