George Carlin Quotes And Sayings

George Denis Patrick Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, social critic, actor and author. Carlin was noted for his black comedy and his thoughts on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects. He is widely regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comedians, One newspaper called Carlin “the dean of counterculture comedians. In 2004, Carlin was placed second on the Comedy Central list of “Top 10 Comedians of US Audiences” compiled for an April 2004 special.

There Are Nights When The Wolves Are Silent And Only The Moon Howls.

George Carlin Quotes (1) - There Are Nights When The Wolves Are S... - QuotesThere Are Nights When The Wolves Are Silent And Only The Moon Howls.

George Carlin Quotes (1) - There Are Nights When The Wolves Are S... - Quotes

Always Do Whatever's Next.

George Carlin Quotes (11) - Always Do Whatever's Next.... - QuotesAlways Do Whatever's Next.

George Carlin Quotes (11) - Always Do Whatever's Next.... - Quotes

I'm Always Relieved When Someone Is Delivering A Eulogy And I Realize I'm Listening To It.

George Carlin Quotes (10) - I'm Always Relieved When Someone Is D... - QuotesI'm Always Relieved When Someone Is Delivering A Eulogy And I Realize I'm Listening To It.

George Carlin Quotes (10) - I'm Always Relieved When Someone Is D... - Quotes

Have You Ever Noticed That Anybody Driving Slower Than You Is An Idiot, And Anyone Going Faster Than You Is A Maniac?

George Carlin Quotes (13) - Have You Ever Noticed That Anybody Dr... - QuotesHave You Ever Noticed That Anybody Driving Slower Than You Is An Idiot, And Anyone Going Faster Than You Is A Maniac?

George Carlin Quotes (13) - Have You Ever Noticed That Anybody Dr... - Quotes

One Can Never Know For Sure What A Deserted Area Looks Like.

George Carlin Quotes (12) - One Can Never Know For Sure What A De... - QuotesOne Can Never Know For Sure What A Deserted Area Looks Like.

George Carlin Quotes (12) - One Can Never Know For Sure What A De... - Quotes

May The Forces Of Evil Become Confused On The Way To Your House.

George Carlin Quotes (14) - May The Forces Of Evil Become Confuse... - QuotesMay The Forces Of Evil Become Confused On The Way To Your House.

George Carlin Quotes (14) - May The Forces Of Evil Become Confuse... - Quotes

Frisbeetarianism Is The Belief That When You Die, Your Soul Goes Up On The Roof And Gets Stuck.

George Carlin Quotes (16) - Frisbeetarianism Is The Belief That W... - QuotesFrisbeetarianism Is The Belief That When You Die, Your Soul Goes Up On The Roof And Gets Stuck.

George Carlin Quotes (16) - Frisbeetarianism Is The Belief That W... - Quotes

The Status Quo Sucks.

George Carlin Quotes (15) - The Status Quo Sucks.... - QuotesThe Status Quo Sucks.

George Carlin Quotes (15) - The Status Quo Sucks.... - Quotes

I Recently Went To A New Doctor And Noticed He Was Located In Something Called The Professional Building. I Felt Better Right Away.

George Carlin Quotes (17) - I Recently Went To A New Doctor And N... - QuotesI Recently Went To A New Doctor And Noticed He Was Located In Something Called The Professional Building. I Felt Better Right Away.

George Carlin Quotes (17) - I Recently Went To A New Doctor And N... - Quotes

I'm Not Concerned About All Hell Breaking Loose, But That A Part Of Hell Will Break Loose... It'll Be Much Harder To Detect.

George Carlin Quotes (18) - I'm Not Concerned About All Hell Brea... - QuotesI'm Not Concerned About All Hell Breaking Loose, But That A Part Of Hell Will Break Loose... It'll Be Much Harder To Detect.

George Carlin Quotes (18) - I'm Not Concerned About All Hell Brea... - Quotes

Weather Forecast For Tonight: Dark.

George Carlin Quotes (2) - Weather Forecast For Tonight: Dark.... - QuotesWeather Forecast For Tonight: Dark.

George Carlin Quotes (2) - Weather Forecast For Tonight: Dark.... - Quotes

Dusting Is A Good Example Of The Futility Of Trying To Put Things Right. As Soon As You Dust, The Fact Of Your Next Dusting Has Already Been Established.

George Carlin Quotes (19) - Dusting Is A Good Example Of The Futi... - QuotesDusting Is A Good Example Of The Futility Of Trying To Put Things Right. As Soon As You Dust, The Fact Of Your Next Dusting Has Already Been Established.

George Carlin Quotes (19) - Dusting Is A Good Example Of The Futi... - Quotes

Electricity Is Really Just Organized Lightning.

George Carlin Quotes (20) - Electricity Is Really Just Organized ... - QuotesElectricity Is Really Just Organized Lightning.

George Carlin Quotes (20) - Electricity Is Really Just Organized ... - Quotes

Standing Ovations Have Become Far Too Commonplace. What We Need Are Ovations Where The Audience Members All Punch And Kick One Another.

George Carlin Quotes (22) - Standing Ovations Have Become Far Too... - QuotesStanding Ovations Have Become Far Too Commonplace. What We Need Are Ovations Where The Audience Members All Punch And Kick One Another.

George Carlin Quotes (22) - Standing Ovations Have Become Far Too... - Quotes

I Think People Should Be Allowed To Do Anything They Want. We Haven't Tried That For A While. Maybe This Time It'll Work.

George Carlin Quotes (21) - I Think People Should Be Allowed To D... - QuotesI Think People Should Be Allowed To Do Anything They Want. We Haven't Tried That For A While. Maybe This Time It'll Work.

George Carlin Quotes (21) - I Think People Should Be Allowed To D... - Quotes

The Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice Family Restaurant. Every Table Had An Argument Going.

George Carlin Quotes (23) - The Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice ... - QuotesThe Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice Family Restaurant. Every Table Had An Argument Going.

George Carlin Quotes (23) - The Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice ... - Quotes

Well, If Crime Fighters Fight Crime And Fire Fighters Fight Fire, What Do Freedom Fighters Fight? They Never Mention That Part To Us, Do They?

George Carlin Quotes (25) - Well, If Crime Fighters Fight Crime A... - QuotesWell, If Crime Fighters Fight Crime And Fire Fighters Fight Fire, What Do Freedom Fighters Fight? They Never Mention That Part To Us, Do They?

George Carlin Quotes (25) - Well, If Crime Fighters Fight Crime A... - Quotes

I'm Completely In Favor Of The Separation Of Church And State. My Idea Is That These Two Institutions Screw Us Up Enough On Their Own, So Both Of Them Together Is Certain Death.

George Carlin Quotes (24) - I'm Completely In Favor Of The Separa... - QuotesI'm Completely In Favor Of The Separation Of Church And State. My Idea Is That These Two Institutions Screw Us Up Enough On Their Own, So Both Of Them Together Is Certain Death.

George Carlin Quotes (24) - I'm Completely In Favor Of The Separa... - Quotes

One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor.

George Carlin Quotes (26) - One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequi... - QuotesOne Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor.

George Carlin Quotes (26) - One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequi... - Quotes

If You Can't Beat Them, Arrange To Have Them Beaten.

George Carlin Quotes (27) - If You Can't Beat Them, Arrange To Ha... - QuotesIf You Can't Beat Them, Arrange To Have Them Beaten.

George Carlin Quotes (27) - If You Can't Beat Them, Arrange To Ha... - Quotes

Religion Is Just Mind Control.

George Carlin Quotes (28) - Religion Is Just Mind Control.... - QuotesReligion Is Just Mind Control.

George Carlin Quotes (28) - Religion Is Just Mind Control.... - Quotes

If We Could Just Find Out Who's In Charge, We Could Kill Him.

George Carlin Quotes (29) - If We Could Just Find Out Who's In Ch... - QuotesIf We Could Just Find Out Who's In Charge, We Could Kill Him.

George Carlin Quotes (29) - If We Could Just Find Out Who's In Ch... - Quotes

When You Step On The Brakes Your Life Is In Your Foot's Hands.

George Carlin Quotes (30) - When You Step On The Brakes Your Life... - QuotesWhen You Step On The Brakes Your Life Is In Your Foot's Hands.

George Carlin Quotes (30) - When You Step On The Brakes Your Life... - Quotes

Don't Sweat The Petty Things And Don't Pet The Sweaty Things.

George Carlin Quotes (3) - Don't Sweat The Petty Things And Don't... - QuotesDon't Sweat The Petty Things And Don't Pet The Sweaty Things.

George Carlin Quotes (3) - Don't Sweat The Petty Things And Don't... - Quotes

Inside Every Cynical Person, There Is A Disappointed Idealist.

George Carlin Quotes (31) - Inside Every Cynical Person, There Is... - QuotesInside Every Cynical Person, There Is A Disappointed Idealist.

George Carlin Quotes (31) - Inside Every Cynical Person, There Is... - Quotes

You Know The Good Part About All Those Executions In Texas? Fewer Texans.

George Carlin Quotes (32) - You Know The Good Part About All Thos... - QuotesYou Know The Good Part About All Those Executions In Texas? Fewer Texans.

George Carlin Quotes (32) - You Know The Good Part About All Thos... - Quotes

You Know An Odd Feeling? Sitting On The Toilet Eating A Chocolate Candy Bar.

George Carlin Quotes (33) - You Know An Odd Feeling? Sitting On T... - QuotesYou Know An Odd Feeling? Sitting On The Toilet Eating A Chocolate Candy Bar.

George Carlin Quotes (33) - You Know An Odd Feeling? Sitting On T... - Quotes

The Main Reason Santa Is So Jolly Is Because He Knows Where All The Bad Girls Live.

George Carlin Quotes (34) - The Main Reason Santa Is So Jolly Is ... - QuotesThe Main Reason Santa Is So Jolly Is Because He Knows Where All The Bad Girls Live.

George Carlin Quotes (34) - The Main Reason Santa Is So Jolly Is ... - Quotes

Most People Work Just Hard Enough Not To Get Fired And Get Paid Just Enough Money Not To Quit.

George Carlin Quotes (36) - Most People Work Just Hard Enough Not... - QuotesMost People Work Just Hard Enough Not To Get Fired And Get Paid Just Enough Money Not To Quit.

George Carlin Quotes (36) - Most People Work Just Hard Enough Not... - Quotes

Not Only Do I Not Know What's Going On, I Wouldn't Know What To Do About It If I Did.

George Carlin Quotes (35) - Not Only Do I Not Know What's Going O... - QuotesNot Only Do I Not Know What's Going On, I Wouldn't Know What To Do About It If I Did.

George Carlin Quotes (35) - Not Only Do I Not Know What's Going O... - Quotes

People Who Say They Don't Care What People Think Are Usually Desperate To Have People Think They Don't Care What People Think.

George Carlin Quotes (37) - People Who Say They Don't Care What P... - QuotesPeople Who Say They Don't Care What People Think Are Usually Desperate To Have People Think They Don't Care What People Think.

George Carlin Quotes (37) - People Who Say They Don't Care What P... - Quotes

If It's True That Our Species Is Alone In The Universe, Then I'd Have To Say The Universe Aimed Rather Low And Settled For Very Little.

George Carlin Quotes (38) - If It's True That Our Species Is Alon... - QuotesIf It's True That Our Species Is Alone In The Universe, Then I'd Have To Say The Universe Aimed Rather Low And Settled For Very Little.

George Carlin Quotes (38) - If It's True That Our Species Is Alon... - Quotes

I Was Thinking About How People Seem To Read The Bible A Whole Lot More As They Get Older; Then It Dawned On Me - They're Cramming For Their Final Exam.

George Carlin Quotes (39) - I Was Thinking About How People Seem ... - QuotesI Was Thinking About How People Seem To Read The Bible A Whole Lot More As They Get Older; Then It Dawned On Me - They're Cramming For Their Final Exam.

George Carlin Quotes (39) - I Was Thinking About How People Seem ... - Quotes

Some People See Things That Are And Ask, Why? Some People Dream Of Things That Never Were And Ask, Why Not? Some People Have To Go To Work And Don't Have Time For All That.

George Carlin Quotes (4) - Some People See Things That Are And As... - QuotesSome People See Things That Are And Ask, Why? Some People Dream Of Things That Never Were And Ask, Why Not? Some People Have To Go To Work And Don't Have Time For All That.

George Carlin Quotes (4) - Some People See Things That Are And As... - Quotes

What Does It Mean To Pre-board? Do You Get On Before You Get On?

George Carlin Quotes (40) - What Does It Mean To Pre-board? Do Yo... - QuotesWhat Does It Mean To Pre-board? Do You Get On Before You Get On?

George Carlin Quotes (40) - What Does It Mean To Pre-board? Do Yo... - Quotes

The Very Existence Of Flame-throwers Proves That Some Time, Somewhere, Someone Said To Themselves, You Know, I Want To Set Those People Over There On Fire, But I'm Just Not Close Enough To Get The Job Done.

George Carlin Quotes (41) - The Very Existence Of Flame-throwers ... - QuotesThe Very Existence Of Flame-throwers Proves That Some Time, Somewhere, Someone Said To Themselves, You Know, I Want To Set Those People Over There On Fire, But I'm Just Not Close Enough To Get The Job Done.

George Carlin Quotes (41) - The Very Existence Of Flame-throwers ... - Quotes

Death Is Caused By Swallowing Small Amounts Of Saliva Over A Long Period Of Time.

George Carlin Quotes (42) - Death Is Caused By Swallowing Small A... - QuotesDeath Is Caused By Swallowing Small Amounts Of Saliva Over A Long Period Of Time.

George Carlin Quotes (42) - Death Is Caused By Swallowing Small A... - Quotes

I Have As Much Authority As The Pope, I Just Don't Have As Many People Who Believe It.

George Carlin Quotes (43) - I Have As Much Authority As The Pope,... - QuotesI Have As Much Authority As The Pope, I Just Don't Have As Many People Who Believe It.

George Carlin Quotes (43) - I Have As Much Authority As The Pope,... - Quotes

When Thomas Edison Worked Late Into The Night On The Electric Light, He Had To Do It By Gas Lamp Or Candle. I'm Sure It Made The Work Seem That Much More Urgent.

George Carlin Quotes (44) - When Thomas Edison Worked Late Into T... - QuotesWhen Thomas Edison Worked Late Into The Night On The Electric Light, He Had To Do It By Gas Lamp Or Candle. I'm Sure It Made The Work Seem That Much More Urgent.

George Carlin Quotes (44) - When Thomas Edison Worked Late Into T... - Quotes

I Think It Would Be Interesting If Old People Got Anti-alzheimer's Disease Where They Slowly Began To Recover Other People's Lost Memories.

George Carlin Quotes (45) - I Think It Would Be Interesting If Ol... - QuotesI Think It Would Be Interesting If Old People Got Anti-alzheimer's Disease Where They Slowly Began To Recover Other People's Lost Memories.

George Carlin Quotes (45) - I Think It Would Be Interesting If Ol... - Quotes

Atheism Is A Non-prophet Organization.

George Carlin Quotes (47) - Atheism Is A Non-prophet Organization... - QuotesAtheism Is A Non-prophet Organization.

George Carlin Quotes (47) - Atheism Is A Non-prophet Organization... - Quotes

There's No Present. There's Only The Immediate Future And The Recent Past.

George Carlin Quotes (46) - There's No Present. There's Only The ... - QuotesThere's No Present. There's Only The Immediate Future And The Recent Past.

George Carlin Quotes (46) - There's No Present. There's Only The ... - Quotes

The Reason I Talk To Myself Is That I'm The Only One Whose Answers I Accept.

George Carlin Quotes (48) - The Reason I Talk To Myself Is That I... - QuotesThe Reason I Talk To Myself Is That I'm The Only One Whose Answers I Accept.

George Carlin Quotes (48) - The Reason I Talk To Myself Is That I... - Quotes

Just Cause You Got The Monkey Off Your Back Doesn't Mean The Circus Has Left Town.

George Carlin Quotes (5) - Just Cause You Got The Monkey Off Your... - QuotesJust Cause You Got The Monkey Off Your Back Doesn't Mean The Circus Has Left Town.

George Carlin Quotes (5) - Just Cause You Got The Monkey Off Your... - Quotes

When You're Born You Get A Ticket To The Freak Show. When You're Born In America, You Get A Front Row Seat.

George Carlin Quotes (49) - When You're Born You Get A Ticket To ... - QuotesWhen You're Born You Get A Ticket To The Freak Show. When You're Born In America, You Get A Front Row Seat.

George Carlin Quotes (49) - When You're Born You Get A Ticket To ... - Quotes

At A Formal Dinner Party, The Person Nearest Death Should Always Be Seated Closest To The Bathroom.

George Carlin Quotes (50) - At A Formal Dinner Party, The Person ... - QuotesAt A Formal Dinner Party, The Person Nearest Death Should Always Be Seated Closest To The Bathroom.

George Carlin Quotes (50) - At A Formal Dinner Party, The Person ... - Quotes

In Comic Strips, The Person On The Left Always Speaks First.

George Carlin Quotes (51) - In Comic Strips, The Person On The Le... - QuotesIn Comic Strips, The Person On The Left Always Speaks First.

George Carlin Quotes (51) - In Comic Strips, The Person On The Le... - Quotes

I Would Never Want To Be A Member Of A Group Whose Symbol Was A Guy Nailed To Two Pieces Of Wood.

George Carlin Quotes (52) - I Would Never Want To Be A Member Of ... - QuotesI Would Never Want To Be A Member Of A Group Whose Symbol Was A Guy Nailed To Two Pieces Of Wood.

George Carlin Quotes (52) - I Would Never Want To Be A Member Of ... - Quotes

By And Large, Language Is A Tool For Concealing The Truth.

George Carlin Quotes (53) - By And Large, Language Is A Tool For ... - QuotesBy And Large, Language Is A Tool For Concealing The Truth.

George Carlin Quotes (53) - By And Large, Language Is A Tool For ... - Quotes

When Someone Is Impatient And Says, 'I Haven't Got All Day,' I Always Wonder, How Can That Be? How Can You Not Have All Day?

George Carlin Quotes (6) - When Someone Is Impatient And Says, 'I... - QuotesWhen Someone Is Impatient And Says, 'I Haven't Got All Day,' I Always Wonder, How Can That Be? How Can You Not Have All Day?

George Carlin Quotes (6) - When Someone Is Impatient And Says, 'I... - Quotes