Steven Wright Quotes And Sayings

I Laugh All The Time - At Things, People, Stuff, Whatever. But, I Don't Laugh Onstage Because Then It's Serious Business.

My Neighbor Has A Circular Driveway... He Can't Get Out.

I'm Addicted To Placebos.

When I Die, I'm Leaving My Body To Science Fiction.

I Wrote A Few Children's Books... Not On Purpose.

I Think God's Going To Come Down And Pull Civilization Over For Speeding.

I Wear A Hat On Stage So That People Won't Be Blinded By The Reflection From My Head. Also, If I Don't Wear A Hat, There's No Way That The Hat Can Be At That Level By Itself On The Stage.

If One Synchronised Swimmer Drowns, Do All The Rest Have To Drown Too?

Why Don't They Make The Whole Plane Out Of That Black Box Stuff.

I Poured Spot Remover On My Dog. Now He's Gone.

If You Can't Hear Me, It's Because I'm In Parentheses.

I Went Down The Street To The 24-hour Grocery. When I Got There, The Guy Was Locking The Front Door. I Said, 'Hey, The Sign Says You're Open 24 Hours.' He Said, 'Yes, But Not In A Row.'

The Other Day I... Uh, No, That Wasn't Me.

To The Audience, It's Like I'm Changing The Subject Every Five Seconds, But To Me, My Show's Almost Like A 90-minute Song That I Know Exactly. I Wrote Every Note, And I Know Exactly Where Everything Is.

When I Was On Tv In The '80s, I Wasn't Thinking, 'There's A 10-year-old Kid Watching This And In 15 Years, He's Gonna Be Doing Stuff That Was Influenced By Me.' I Was Trying To Get My Five Minutes Together. So Now That Those People Are Comedians And They're Influenced By Me - It's Bizarre.

Childhood Was Very Nice. The Only Thing Wrong Was That I Was So Introverted, Everything Became A Big Deal... 'Oh, No, Here Comes The Bus. Where Am I Gonna Sit On The Bus?'

Doing Stand-up Is Like Running Across A Frozen Pond With The Ice Breaking Behind You. I Love It Because It's Dangerous.

On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers.

Like Other Kids Wanted To Become Firemen Or Astronauts, I Wanted To Make People Laugh.

I Paint; I Draw And Paint - I've Been Doing That Since I Was In Third Grade, Drawing Realistically And Then Changing To Abstract Art. That Was My First Creative Thing Before Guitar Or Comedy.

The Things I Talk About And Explain Couldn't Happen - Yet, They Don't Seem Impossible - You Could Say I Talk About The World In An Abstract Perspective. But Then, The World Is Basically Insane - And It's Trying To Pass Itself Off As Being A Sane Place. I Show It For What It Is.

When I Die, I'm Gonna Leave My Body To Science Fiction.

I Went To A General Store. They Wouldn't Let Me Buy Anything Specifically.

I Invented The Cordless Extension Cord.

I Met This Wonderful Girl At Macy's. She Was Buying Clothes And I Was Putting Slinkies On The Escalator.

Last Year I Went Fishing With Salvador Dali. He Was Using A Dotted Line. He Caught Every Other Fish.

When I Was A Kid, I Went To The Store And Asked The Guy, Do You Have Any Toy Train Schedules?

I Got A Chain Letter By Fax. It's Very Simple. You Just Fax A Dollar Bill To Everybody On The List.

I Have An Existential Map. It Has 'You Are Here' Written All Over It.

My Roommate Got A Pet Elephant. Then It Got Lost. It's In The Apartment Somewhere.

So, Do You Live Around Here Often?

Very Rarely Do I Talk Off The Top Of My Head On Stage. I'm Not An Improv Guy. I'm A Writer-guy Who Presents What He's Written.

George Carlin's Album, 'Class Clown,' Came Out When I Was In High School. I Memorized A Lot Of That Album. I'd Come Home From School, Put It On, And Listen Over And Over. I Started Memorizing It. I Don't Even Know Why. I Loved It So Much I Memorized It.

I Was Born. When I Was 23 I Started Telling Jokes. Then I Started Going On Television And Doing Films. That's Still What I Am Doing. The End.

I Like George Carlin's Jokes. I Like His Humor. He's One Of My Heroes, And I Like What He Did With Talking About Everyday Things.

I Didn't Want To Be Selling Insurance At 40, Wondering What Would It Have Been Like To Do Stand-up.

I Feel Lucky That I Can Have People Laugh Solidly For A Whole Hour By Just Saying What I Think And Getting Paid For It.

I Hooked Up My Accelerator Pedal In My Car To My Brake Lights. I Hit The Gas, People Behind Me Stop, And I'm Gone.

I Thought I Would Be A Guy On The Radio.

To Me, Comedy Is Just Twisting Reality. It's Commenting Or Observing Or Twisting Life.

Comedians Are Sociologists. We're Pointing Out Stuff That The General Public Doesn't Even Stop To Think About, Looking At Life In Slow-motion And Questioning Everything We See.

I Busted A Mirror And Got Seven Years Bad Luck, But My Lawyer Thinks He Can Get Me Five.

I Always Thought Johnny Carson Was Just Brilliant, And I Used To Watch Him And All The Comics That Would Be On The Show Every Night - And I'd Dream About It Being Me.

I Went To A Restaurant That Serves 'Breakfast At Any Time'. So I Ordered French Toast During The Renaissance.

I Went To A General Store But They Wouldn't Let Me Buy Anything Specific.

Cross Country Skiing Is Great If You Live In A Small Country.

A Lot Of People Are Afraid Of Heights. Not Me, I'm Afraid Of Widths.

There Was A Power Outage At A Department Store Yesterday. Twenty People Were Trapped On The Escalators.

Do Lipton Employees Take Coffee Breaks?

My Friend Has A Baby. I'm Recording All The Noises He Makes So Later I Can Ask Him What He Meant.