Erma Bombeck Quotes And Sayings

Never Accept A Drink From A Urologist.

Never Order Food In Excess Of Your Body Weight.

Someone Once Threw Me A Small, Brown, Hairy Kiwi Fruit, And I Threw A Wastebasket Over It Until It Was Dead.

Onion Rings In The Car Cushions Do Not Improve With Time.

In Two Decades I've Lost A Total Of 789 Pounds. I Should Be Hanging From A Charm Bracelet.

A Friend Never Defends A Husband Who Gets His Wife An Electric Skillet For Her Birthday.

How Come Anything You Buy Will Go On Sale Next Week?

A Friend Doesn't Go On A Diet Because You Are Fat.

Being A Child At Home Alone In The Summer Is A High-risk Occupation. If You Call Your Mother At Work Thirteen Times An Hour, She Can Hurt You.

Car Designers Are Just Going To Have To Come Up With An Automobile That Outlasts The Payments.

Marriage Has No Guarantees. If That's What You're Looking For, Go Live With A Car Battery.

Like Religion, Politics, And Family Planning, Cereal Is Not A Topic To Be Brought Up In Public. It's Too Controversial.

I've Exercised With Women So Thin That Buzzards Followed Them To Their Cars.

Children Make Your Life Important.

No One Ever Died From Sleeping In An Unmade Bed. I Have Known Mothers Who Remake The Bed After Their Children Do It Because There Is Wrinkle In The Spread Or The Blanket Is On Crooked. This Is Sick.

When Your Mother Asks, 'Do You Want A Piece Of Advice?' It Is A Mere Formality. It Doesn't Matter If You Answer Yes Or No. You're Going To Get It Anyway.

Before You Try To Keep Up With The Joneses, Be Sure They're Not Trying To Keep Up With You.

There's Something Wrong With A Mother Who Washes Out A Measuring Cup With Soap And Water After She's Only Measured Water In It.

Somewhere It Is Written That Parents Who Are Critical Of Other People's Children And Publicly Admit They Can Do Better Are Asking For It.

I Was Too Old For A Paper Route, Too Young For Social Security And Too Tired For An Affair.

What's With You Men? Would Hair Stop Growing On Your Chest If You Asked Directions Somewhere?

Some Say Our National Pastime Is Baseball. Not Me. It's Gossip.

It Goes Without Saying That You Should Never Have More Children Than You Have Car Windows.

People Shop For A Bathing Suit With More Care Than They Do A Husband Or Wife. The Rules Are The Same. Look For Something You'll Feel Comfortable Wearing. Allow For Room To Grow.

I Was Terrible At Straight Items. When I Wrote Obituaries, My Mother Said The Only Thing I Ever Got Them To Do Was Die In Alphabetical Order.

My Second Favorite Household Chore Is Ironing. My First Being Hitting My Head On The Top Bunk Bed Until I Faint.

When I Stand Before God At The End Of My Life, I Would Hope That I Would Not Have A Single Bit Of Talent Left, And Could Say, 'I Used Everything You Gave Me'.