Woody Allen Quotes And Sayings

Woody Allen is an American actor, author, filmmaker, comedian, playwright, and musician, whose career spans more than six decades. He worked as a comedy writer in the 1950s, writing jokes and scripts for television and publishing several books of short humor pieces. In the early 1960s, Allen began performing as a stand-up comedian, emphasizing monologues rather than traditional jokes. As a comedian, he developed the persona of an insecure, intellectual, fretful nebbish, which he maintains is quite different from his real-life personality. In 2004, Comedy Central ranked Allen in fourth place on a list of the 100 greatest stand-up comedians, while a UK survey ranked Allen as the third greatest comedian.

My One Regret In Life Is That I Am Not Someone Else.

Woody Allen Quotes (10) - My One Regret In Life Is That I Am Not ... - QuotesMy One Regret In Life Is That I Am Not Someone Else.

Woody Allen Quotes (10) - My One Regret In Life Is That I Am Not ... - Quotes

Sex Without Love Is A Meaningless Experience, But As Far As Meaningless Experiences Go Its Pretty Damn Good.

Woody Allen Quotes (1) - Sex Without Love Is A Meaningless Experi... - QuotesSex Without Love Is A Meaningless Experience, But As Far As Meaningless Experiences Go Its Pretty Damn Good.

Woody Allen Quotes (1) - Sex Without Love Is A Meaningless Experi... - Quotes

Basically My Wife Was Immature. I'd Be At Home In The Bath And She'd Come In And Sink My Boats.

Woody Allen Quotes (11) - Basically My Wife Was Immature. I'd Be ... - QuotesBasically My Wife Was Immature. I'd Be At Home In The Bath And She'd Come In And Sink My Boats.

Woody Allen Quotes (11) - Basically My Wife Was Immature. I'd Be ... - Quotes

Eternal Nothingness Is Fine If You Happen To Be Dressed For It.

Woody Allen Quotes (13) - Eternal Nothingness Is Fine If You Happ... - QuotesEternal Nothingness Is Fine If You Happen To Be Dressed For It.

Woody Allen Quotes (13) - Eternal Nothingness Is Fine If You Happ... - Quotes

I Took A Speed-reading Course And Read War And Peace In Twenty Minutes. It Involves Russia.

Woody Allen Quotes (12) - I Took A Speed-reading Course And Read ... - QuotesI Took A Speed-reading Course And Read War And Peace In Twenty Minutes. It Involves Russia.

Woody Allen Quotes (12) - I Took A Speed-reading Course And Read ... - Quotes

I Don't Believe In The After Life, Although I Am Bringing A Change Of Underwear.

Woody Allen Quotes (14) - I Don't Believe In The After Life, Alth... - QuotesI Don't Believe In The After Life, Although I Am Bringing A Change Of Underwear.

Woody Allen Quotes (14) - I Don't Believe In The After Life, Alth... - Quotes

I Failed To Make The Chess Team Because Of My Height.

Woody Allen Quotes (15) - I Failed To Make The Chess Team Because... - QuotesI Failed To Make The Chess Team Because Of My Height.

Woody Allen Quotes (15) - I Failed To Make The Chess Team Because... - Quotes

Life Is Divided Into The Horrible And The Miserable.

Woody Allen Quotes (17) - Life Is Divided Into The Horrible And T... - QuotesLife Is Divided Into The Horrible And The Miserable.

Woody Allen Quotes (17) - Life Is Divided Into The Horrible And T... - Quotes

There Are Worse Things In Life Than Death. Have You Ever Spent An Evening With An Insurance Salesman?

Woody Allen Quotes (16) - There Are Worse Things In Life Than Dea... - QuotesThere Are Worse Things In Life Than Death. Have You Ever Spent An Evening With An Insurance Salesman?

Woody Allen Quotes (16) - There Are Worse Things In Life Than Dea... - Quotes

Students Achieving Oneness Will Move On To Twoness.

Woody Allen Quotes (18) - Students Achieving Oneness Will Move On... - QuotesStudents Achieving Oneness Will Move On To Twoness.

Woody Allen Quotes (18) - Students Achieving Oneness Will Move On... - Quotes

In Beverly Hills... They Don't Throw Their Garbage Away. They Make It Into Television Shows.

Woody Allen Quotes (19) - In Beverly Hills... They Don't Throw Th... - QuotesIn Beverly Hills... They Don't Throw Their Garbage Away. They Make It Into Television Shows.

Woody Allen Quotes (19) - In Beverly Hills... They Don't Throw Th... - Quotes

Life Is Full Of Misery, Loneliness, And Suffering - And It's All Over Much Too Soon.

Woody Allen Quotes (2) - Life Is Full Of Misery, Loneliness, And ... - QuotesLife Is Full Of Misery, Loneliness, And Suffering - And It's All Over Much Too Soon.

Woody Allen Quotes (2) - Life Is Full Of Misery, Loneliness, And ... - Quotes

Some Guy Hit My Fender, And I Told Him, 'Be Fruitful And Multiply,' But Not In Those Words.

Woody Allen Quotes (20) - Some Guy Hit My Fender, And I Told Him,... - QuotesSome Guy Hit My Fender, And I Told Him, 'Be Fruitful And Multiply,' But Not In Those Words.

Woody Allen Quotes (20) - Some Guy Hit My Fender, And I Told Him,... - Quotes

Eighty Percent Of Success Is Showing Up.

Woody Allen Quotes (21) - Eighty Percent Of Success Is Showing Up... - QuotesEighty Percent Of Success Is Showing Up.

Woody Allen Quotes (21) - Eighty Percent Of Success Is Showing Up... - Quotes

If My Films Make One More Person Miserable, I'll Feel I Have Done My Job.

Woody Allen Quotes (22) - If My Films Make One More Person Misera... - QuotesIf My Films Make One More Person Miserable, I'll Feel I Have Done My Job.

Woody Allen Quotes (22) - If My Films Make One More Person Misera... - Quotes

I Believe There Is Something Out There Watching Us. Unfortunately, It's The Government.

Woody Allen Quotes (23) - I Believe There Is Something Out There ... - QuotesI Believe There Is Something Out There Watching Us. Unfortunately, It's The Government.

Woody Allen Quotes (23) - I Believe There Is Something Out There ... - Quotes

What If Nothing Exists And We're All In Somebody's Dream?

Woody Allen Quotes (24) - What If Nothing Exists And We're All In... - QuotesWhat If Nothing Exists And We're All In Somebody's Dream?

Woody Allen Quotes (24) - What If Nothing Exists And We're All In... - Quotes

I Was Nauseous And Tingly All Over. I Was Either In Love Or I Had Smallpox.

Woody Allen Quotes (25) - I Was Nauseous And Tingly All Over. I W... - QuotesI Was Nauseous And Tingly All Over. I Was Either In Love Or I Had Smallpox.

Woody Allen Quotes (25) - I Was Nauseous And Tingly All Over. I W... - Quotes

You Can Live To Be A Hundred If You Give Up All The Things That Make You Want To Live To Be A Hundred.

Woody Allen Quotes (26) - You Can Live To Be A Hundred If You Giv... - QuotesYou Can Live To Be A Hundred If You Give Up All The Things That Make You Want To Live To Be A Hundred.

Woody Allen Quotes (26) - You Can Live To Be A Hundred If You Giv... - Quotes

Right Now It's Only A Notion, But I Think I Can Get The Money To Make It Into A Concept, And Later Turn It Into An Idea.

Woody Allen Quotes (27) - Right Now It's Only A Notion, But I Thi... - QuotesRight Now It's Only A Notion, But I Think I Can Get The Money To Make It Into A Concept, And Later Turn It Into An Idea.

Woody Allen Quotes (27) - Right Now It's Only A Notion, But I Thi... - Quotes

Harvard Makes Mistakes Too, You Know. Kissinger Taught There.

Woody Allen Quotes (28) - Harvard Makes Mistakes Too, You Know. K... - QuotesHarvard Makes Mistakes Too, You Know. Kissinger Taught There.

Woody Allen Quotes (28) - Harvard Makes Mistakes Too, You Know. K... - Quotes

Comedy Just Pokes At Problems, Rarely Confronts Them Squarely. Drama Is Like A Plate Of Meat And Potatoes, Comedy Is Rather The Dessert, A Bit Like Meringue.

Woody Allen Quotes (29) - Comedy Just Pokes At Problems, Rarely C... - QuotesComedy Just Pokes At Problems, Rarely Confronts Them Squarely. Drama Is Like A Plate Of Meat And Potatoes, Comedy Is Rather The Dessert, A Bit Like Meringue.

Woody Allen Quotes (29) - Comedy Just Pokes At Problems, Rarely C... - Quotes

Life Doesn't Imitate Art, It Imitates Bad Television.

Woody Allen Quotes (3) - Life Doesn't Imitate Art, It Imitates Ba... - QuotesLife Doesn't Imitate Art, It Imitates Bad Television.

Woody Allen Quotes (3) - Life Doesn't Imitate Art, It Imitates Ba... - Quotes

Not Only Is There No God, But Try Finding A Plumber On Sunday.

Woody Allen Quotes (31) - Not Only Is There No God, But Try Findi... - QuotesNot Only Is There No God, But Try Finding A Plumber On Sunday.

Woody Allen Quotes (31) - Not Only Is There No God, But Try Findi... - Quotes

As The Poet Said, 'Only God Can Make A Tree,' Probably Because It's So Hard To Figure Out How To Get The Bark On.

Woody Allen Quotes (30) - As The Poet Said, 'Only God Can Make A ... - QuotesAs The Poet Said, 'Only God Can Make A Tree,' Probably Because It's So Hard To Figure Out How To Get The Bark On.

Woody Allen Quotes (30) - As The Poet Said, 'Only God Can Make A ... - Quotes

Seventy Percent Of Success In Life Is Showing Up.

Woody Allen Quotes (32) - Seventy Percent Of Success In Life Is S... - QuotesSeventy Percent Of Success In Life Is Showing Up.

Woody Allen Quotes (32) - Seventy Percent Of Success In Life Is S... - Quotes

Tradition Is The Illusion Of Permanance.

Woody Allen Quotes (34) - Tradition Is The Illusion Of Permanance... - QuotesTradition Is The Illusion Of Permanance.

Woody Allen Quotes (34) - Tradition Is The Illusion Of Permanance... - Quotes

I Will Not Eat Oysters. I Want My Food Dead. Not Sick. Not Wounded. Dead.

Woody Allen Quotes (33) - I Will Not Eat Oysters. I Want My Food ... - QuotesI Will Not Eat Oysters. I Want My Food Dead. Not Sick. Not Wounded. Dead.

Woody Allen Quotes (33) - I Will Not Eat Oysters. I Want My Food ... - Quotes

Why Are Our Days Numbered And Not, Say, Lettered?

Woody Allen Quotes (35) - Why Are Our Days Numbered And Not, Say,... - QuotesWhy Are Our Days Numbered And Not, Say, Lettered?

Woody Allen Quotes (35) - Why Are Our Days Numbered And Not, Say,... - Quotes

If You're Not Failing Every Now And Again, It's A Sign You're Not Doing Anything Very Innovative.

Woody Allen Quotes (36) - If You're Not Failing Every Now And Aga... - QuotesIf You're Not Failing Every Now And Again, It's A Sign You're Not Doing Anything Very Innovative.

Woody Allen Quotes (36) - If You're Not Failing Every Now And Aga... - Quotes

To You I'm An Atheist; To God, I'm The Loyal Opposition.

Woody Allen Quotes (37) - To You I'm An Atheist; To God, I'm The ... - QuotesTo You I'm An Atheist; To God, I'm The Loyal Opposition.

Woody Allen Quotes (37) - To You I'm An Atheist; To God, I'm The ... - Quotes

I'd Call Him A Sadistic, Hippophilic Necrophile, But That Would Be Beating A Dead Horse.

Woody Allen Quotes (38) - I'd Call Him A Sadistic, Hippophilic Ne... - QuotesI'd Call Him A Sadistic, Hippophilic Necrophile, But That Would Be Beating A Dead Horse.

Woody Allen Quotes (38) - I'd Call Him A Sadistic, Hippophilic Ne... - Quotes

He Was So Depressed, He Tried To Commit Suicide By Inhaling Next To An Armenian.

Woody Allen Quotes (39) - He Was So Depressed, He Tried To Commit... - QuotesHe Was So Depressed, He Tried To Commit Suicide By Inhaling Next To An Armenian.

Woody Allen Quotes (39) - He Was So Depressed, He Tried To Commit... - Quotes

What If Everything Is An Illusion And Nothing Exists? In That Case, I Definitely Overpaid For My Carpet.

Woody Allen Quotes (4) - What If Everything Is An Illusion And No... - QuotesWhat If Everything Is An Illusion And Nothing Exists? In That Case, I Definitely Overpaid For My Carpet.

Woody Allen Quotes (4) - What If Everything Is An Illusion And No... - Quotes

I'm Very Proud Of My Gold Pocket Watch. My Grandfather, On His Deathbed, Sold Me This Watch.

Woody Allen Quotes (40) - I'm Very Proud Of My Gold Pocket Watch.... - QuotesI'm Very Proud Of My Gold Pocket Watch. My Grandfather, On His Deathbed, Sold Me This Watch.

Woody Allen Quotes (40) - I'm Very Proud Of My Gold Pocket Watch.... - Quotes

In My House I'm The Boss, My Wife Is Just The Decision Maker.

Woody Allen Quotes (41) - In My House I'm The Boss, My Wife Is Ju... - QuotesIn My House I'm The Boss, My Wife Is Just The Decision Maker.

Woody Allen Quotes (41) - In My House I'm The Boss, My Wife Is Ju... - Quotes

If You Want To Make God Laugh, Tell Him About Your Plans.

Woody Allen Quotes (44) - If You Want To Make God Laugh, Tell Him... - QuotesIf You Want To Make God Laugh, Tell Him About Your Plans.

Woody Allen Quotes (44) - If You Want To Make God Laugh, Tell Him... - Quotes

My Luck Is Getting Worse And Worse. Last Night, For Instance, I Was Mugged By A Quaker.

Woody Allen Quotes (43) - My Luck Is Getting Worse And Worse. Las... - QuotesMy Luck Is Getting Worse And Worse. Last Night, For Instance, I Was Mugged By A Quaker.

Woody Allen Quotes (43) - My Luck Is Getting Worse And Worse. Las... - Quotes

I'm Astounded By People Who Want To 'Know' The Universe When It's Hard Enough To Find Your Way Around Chinatown.

Woody Allen Quotes (42) - I'm Astounded By People Who Want To 'Kn... - QuotesI'm Astounded By People Who Want To 'Know' The Universe When It's Hard Enough To Find Your Way Around Chinatown.

Woody Allen Quotes (42) - I'm Astounded By People Who Want To 'Kn... - Quotes

Organized Crime In America Takes In Over Forty Billion Dollars A Year And Spends Very Little On Office Supplies.

Woody Allen Quotes (45) - Organized Crime In America Takes In Ove... - QuotesOrganized Crime In America Takes In Over Forty Billion Dollars A Year And Spends Very Little On Office Supplies.

Woody Allen Quotes (45) - Organized Crime In America Takes In Ove... - Quotes

I Don't Think My Parents Liked Me. They Put A Live Teddy Bear In My Crib.

Woody Allen Quotes (46) - I Don't Think My Parents Liked Me. They... - QuotesI Don't Think My Parents Liked Me. They Put A Live Teddy Bear In My Crib.

Woody Allen Quotes (46) - I Don't Think My Parents Liked Me. They... - Quotes

I Think Being Funny Is Not Anyone's First Choice.

Woody Allen Quotes (48) - I Think Being Funny Is Not Anyone's Fir... - QuotesI Think Being Funny Is Not Anyone's First Choice.

Woody Allen Quotes (48) - I Think Being Funny Is Not Anyone's Fir... - Quotes

Man Consists Of Two Parts, His Mind And His Body, Only The Body Has More Fun.

Woody Allen Quotes (47) - Man Consists Of Two Parts, His Mind And... - QuotesMan Consists Of Two Parts, His Mind And His Body, Only The Body Has More Fun.

Woody Allen Quotes (47) - Man Consists Of Two Parts, His Mind And... - Quotes

The Lion And The Calf Shall Lie Down Together But The Calf Won't Get Much Sleep.

Woody Allen Quotes (5) - The Lion And The Calf Shall Lie Down Tog... - QuotesThe Lion And The Calf Shall Lie Down Together But The Calf Won't Get Much Sleep.

Woody Allen Quotes (5) - The Lion And The Calf Shall Lie Down Tog... - Quotes

I've Never Been An Intellectual But I Have This Look.

Woody Allen Quotes (49) - I've Never Been An Intellectual But I H... - QuotesI've Never Been An Intellectual But I Have This Look.

Woody Allen Quotes (49) - I've Never Been An Intellectual But I H... - Quotes

I'm Not Afraid To Die, I Just Don't Want To Be There When It Happens.

Woody Allen Quotes (50) - I'm Not Afraid To Die, I Just Don't Wan... - QuotesI'm Not Afraid To Die, I Just Don't Want To Be There When It Happens.

Woody Allen Quotes (50) - I'm Not Afraid To Die, I Just Don't Wan... - Quotes

The Talent For Being Happy Is Appreciating And Liking What You Have, Instead Of What You Don't Have.

Woody Allen Quotes (51) - The Talent For Being Happy Is Appreciat... - QuotesThe Talent For Being Happy Is Appreciating And Liking What You Have, Instead Of What You Don't Have.

Woody Allen Quotes (51) - The Talent For Being Happy Is Appreciat... - Quotes

I Had A Terrible Education. I Attended A School For Emotionally Disturbed Teachers.

Woody Allen Quotes (52) - I Had A Terrible Education. I Attended ... - QuotesI Had A Terrible Education. I Attended A School For Emotionally Disturbed Teachers.

Woody Allen Quotes (52) - I Had A Terrible Education. I Attended ... - Quotes

I Am Two With Nature.

Woody Allen Quotes (54) - I Am Two With Nature.... - QuotesI Am Two With Nature.

Woody Allen Quotes (54) - I Am Two With Nature.... - Quotes

I Ran Into Isosceles. He Had A Great Idea For A New Triangle!

Woody Allen Quotes (53) - I Ran Into Isosceles. He Had A Great Id... - QuotesI Ran Into Isosceles. He Had A Great Idea For A New Triangle!

Woody Allen Quotes (53) - I Ran Into Isosceles. He Had A Great Id... - Quotes